Random Fandom Rants

14 RL PS Confessions 12-11

SERIOUS

This is a little look into PS's head.
(She isn't talking about me or M🥜. I asked. [And we haven't ever done that to her.])
It was written a year ago, so at the time she was venting at no one.
When she gave it to me to put in here, she put it in Google Translate because she didn't want to read it aloud. It was hilarious at first (We weren't expecting Steven Hawking to start saying her innermost thoughts), but it strangely fit the more depressing paragraphs.

✉️: ... I don't even know why I gave this to you.
📚: Because you love me.

I'm always there... Just a phone call or message away and I'm talking for hours until they are better. But I feel like I give more than I receive... I don't care about this honestly.
All I ask is that they let me know in advance if something happens and they can't see me. I don't want to waste time, I want a straight answer. Don't tell me a time, then keep telling me a later time after that original time was said. I don't care if you cancel. Just don't give me false hope. I only make plans if I feel like I have to. I hate making plans. Every time I make one there's a less than 1% chance that it will follow through... And people wonder why I don't call or message them... I'm only trying to keep my friends...
I'm okay with people telling me that they have cancelled plans on me, just as long as it's not 6 hours later. I was waiting, only to get a message saying "I'll be there a little after 8" followed (2 1/2 hours later) with "I have to put my sibling to sleep so give me an hour" then even later than that hour (1 1/2 hours after message) another message saying you fell asleep as well only to then tell me that you'll head out when your mum gets home. (That never happened.) Then you call me. We talk for 1/2 an hour plus, you tell me brb. I waited another 20 minutes only to hear you say that you're going to bed and goodnight.
This is not the first time it has happened, but I should have expected it... It always  happens like this... Sometimes I wonder if I should bother trying anymore... I love my friends more than life, including my own... It just hurts when this happens... I'd rather be shut down at the time where I don't have to wonder what's taking forever, false hope, or worry. It's easier to handle... I can plan, change if I have to! Don't tell me after 6 hours of me waiting!!
It doesn't take a lot for me to cry... If I was told earlier, and had time, I wouldn't have cried so much because of this. It might just be that I'm emotional, or because of lack of sleep, but I hate crying. I avoid it at all costs. When I cry I cannot stop. It's easy to hide since it's silent (apart from sniffling) and my voice hardly wavers, I can pass as being sick...
Now, I love my friends 1000 times over, but sometimes, there are some who make me show sides of myself that I despise of (this being one of them: crying and venting to  literally no one). All I wanted was to see someone I haven't seen for a while, to catch up and do our thing. It had been forever too so I was really looking forward to it... I really was...
We usually do it every Friday... You'd think they'd realise and have remembered... It's not difficult to forget... Unless, it's me....