on this day.

my dearest friend, how are you?

xiii. MY DEAREST FRIEND, HOW ARE YOU?

to someone who once knew mebetter than i did when i caught a glimpse of the lines carved into my palms,

you still haunt my mind
your name unforgettable 
some memories untraceable 
but many still lay as vivid as if they had happened hours before hand

my heart bellows for you
beating for times no longer in reach 
but i must ignore this pain as best as i can
because i know you no longer think of me
as someone you once trusted and loved with every ounce within you

that thought kills me
and i want to pick up the phone
call you
apologize for everything i've done
even though my mother tells me i never harmed you
yet i did
because if i hadn't
i wouldn't be laying here writing this,
drowned in the thought of how we deserved an ending, a goodbye,
not a faded friendship that was once heard of yet no one cared to jot down for

we were time wasted
happy ending unwanted 
we were cursed under our fingertips ever 
since we greeted one another the first day of our last year in middle school

we were blinded by the fascination of a freshly bloomed flower
with our names scripted into the delicate petals
that we didn't realize how quickly we would die out
the second we pulled it out of its beloved home for our own

i sat too long picking at the same petals, our names no longer eligible considering it had collected the tears of my broken heart the night we had our first huge fight

( she hates me,
she hates me not )

a battle between my heart and my brain 
one where i did not want to pick and choose so i waited it out 
pained by the notification of your name instead of happy

you tried to piece us back together 
yet i sat back and bit my nails in discomfort 
because i didn't know if these words were forced or not
and i didn't want to feel like a burden on your chest anymore

so i left you alone
and we haven't talked since

i ran into your grandmother late last month
she ranted about how her husband had to get surgery again
and how she was mad i stopped visiting

i didn't dare tell her it was because 
her granddaughter and i were no longer as close as we once were

not even a little bit.not even at all.