on this day.

i am depressed today.

lxxxvi. I AM DEPRESSED TODAY.

i woke up in a black hole today, at the bottom of a well that is sealed shut, the only light pouring through is in the small scrapes of the wood. mentally and physically, i am drained. my eyes are heavy, counteracting the emptiness i feel inside of me. instead of feeling everything, i feel nothing at all. a balloon floating into the lightness of the clouds still are full of air, so how am i, one that holds all these rusted bones and worn out organs, completely empty? i want to cry, but instead i am numb. i sit at the bottom, legs pressed to my chest, and lay my head on the cemented rocks. cold, longing for something that is never coming, that something i will never know the satisfaction of having. i feel fake. nothing is real. moments drag out and i apologize when i can't keep up conversations, repeat sorries until they are all i am made up of, 

no one invites me out anymore. 

text messages are left on seen, they think i hate them but really i can't fathom finding the strength to even type out that i'm busy. busy in this slow motion, growing bored of everything i do. watch a movie, pause only ten minutes in, question what else there is to do. go outside, chip bark off the trees, leave the pile on the ground before not knowing who i have become. consider sleeping, but know that i'll only be left cradled in the dark, forcing myself to cry because maybe then whatever is happening in my head will crawl out of its cave and finally, leave me alone. take a shower, feel sticky and warm for no reason, sit at the bottom of the tub and watch hours pass in silence. not wanting to talk, not finding the need to talk, yet my therapist sits in my contacts. i stare at it, but never call, it's as if i want this torture in my veins. won't take antidepressants for i've seen it rip apart my mother and leave her more sorrow than she had already been, zombie like, is that really who i want to be? find no satisfaction in anything, ending up in the darkness of my room, thinking of all the things i could become if this thing wasn't holding me. leave a message for the happy part of me, still want to cry but not having the energy. apologize again, for this is all i've ever been, say sorry sorry sorry as if it's going to help anyone. 

don't want to die, but don't want to live either.

 in between, the most torturous spot to be in. realize, as my head tucks itself under covers hoping tomorrow is better, that i am the bark on the tree being scraped away. sorry, i didn't mean to leave you this way. fall asleep hopeless, drained, finding no comfort in the bed i couldn't have the energy to make today. read words of other's, plaster back a response that will make them smile. why am i not? this act of making them think i'm okay, hoping they don't fear the real me, it's all too tiring. sorry, i don't want to be like this anymore, but i can't do anything to stop it. fear others feel this way, want to help them but realize when people try to help me, i don't want it. flames stretching for the sky and all they want to be is water, but i can do this on my own. 

i can, i can, i can, don't you believe me? 

this show i continue to put on behind closed curtains, it's not real, it is not me. why is the world so unsaturated today, what did i do? all i want is to be yellow hues and the blue sky that only ever makes others happy, but how am i supposed to make others happy when i'm not happy myself?

i'm sorry, truly, sincerely, with every fiber within me that i continue to put up these metaphors to hide what really is wrong with me. i am depressed today and i don't know if tomorrow will hold as much rain, but i'm not apologizing for admitting what has been apart of me for so long. i, truly, sincerely, with every fiber within me, hope you're okay.

can only hope that you never feel the same way.