on this day.

i am you, are you me?

xcix. I AM YOU, ARE YOU ME?

you, you are never happy enough. not with the numbers, not with your friends, not with your words, not with yourself. you settle for the sadness bottled up within you, shaken to the extent that if your mouth was to open, a voice filled with nothing less than pain would echo and break all these mosaic hearts, cutting up and scarring tissue to leave behind marks that you cannot see unless you stare deeply into their eyes. like yours. the one's people call beautiful from afar, but up close, you swear they would have a different thought, or maybe they wouldn't at all because it took you, your own self, to realize that the light in your irises wasn't there anymore after months had passed and it all began to make sense. the heaviness of your chest, the can't get out of bed, the i don't want to go to school or work or even live but i still do because who would i be if i didn't?  for what drained you so much is still clueless to the individuals around you, but to gain it back is like digging through burnt coal, trying to find the ashes of who you were. build yourself up from where you have fallen, stacking blocks on top of each other, barely satisfied but enough, only to watch them fall and having to restart all over. the purple under eyes can't be covered up with all the makeup in the world, concealer doesn't conceal for shit when it comes to split open wrists from yesterday's happenings or bruised lips seeking for valid attention. you want everything, but you say that you don't need much to be content. you need someone to mend you, but swear you can heal on your own. you're a hypocrite, selfish, how in the fuck did you make it this far being like this? a monster, a reflection of your mother's pity and your father's anger. scared of what you are but not controlling it. you are craving seduction under nail beds, spilled guts on white carpets. you are stars falling from the sky in desperate need of catching, but if caught, set other's to flames. your soul is screaming for this is not who you are, but change is not a word you can define comfortably enough to take action towards. heavy upon creaky floorboards, you sit alone. you will die alone. it's all in how the planets align, how every step you take from here takes your name and makes you easy to forget or up in bright lights for everyone to repeat, making your ears ring for days, making your heart sing until there is nothing left to hum for. 

even then,
will it be enough?