on this day.

lessons i wish he taught me before slamming the front door.

lxxvii. LESSONS I WISH HE TAUGHT ME BEFORE SLAMMING THE FRONT DOOR.

it's okay to fail as long as you tried

is a saying that i can't stand, because failure is not just a word. it leaves you empty, as hollowed out as you can truly be. you attempt to do this, that, but in the end, you are still failing. a big failure. an idiot for even trying. i suffocate under my mistakes, giving but never receiving, but i'm not selfish because i want to see others succeed more than my own god damn self. i look at my mother, how many times i picked her heart up and taped it back together because tape is all i've ever had left after trying to fix my father's beaten down soul. i tried to call him, wedge out a sorry of any kind, but small talks all we've ever known and he didn't even say i love you when he hung up the phone. screaming, kicking, pleading for my father not to leave, watching my own heart shatter on the floor because glass hearts are more fragile than anything i've grown to learn. not trying to fix my own heart, but my mother's. stay up all night, listen to her cries, hope she doesn't lock the bathroom door. fingers crossed the police don't have to be called for the second time, lose not only one but both parents that night. trying to wake up in the morning, go to school, put on a smile so no one questions what's up with my frown. try and try and try.

it's okay to fail as long as you tried
my therapist spits out like something she's recited a million times. look up at her with disgust on your face but agree. apologize for acting the way you did when you really just want to stab back. ask her how empty she feels from everything she's done but never achieved in.

bite a bullet with my front teeth, feel them shatter in the back of my throat as i choke on everything i've ever wanted to say. pick up my dirty, shattered heart off the floor, bury it in the backyard, under the tree swing he use to push me on when anger didn't boil his veins.

stop trying and you'll never fail.stop giving and you will never feel empty.