on this day.

dear father, when you decide to read these words.

xxvi. DEAR FATHER, WHEN YOU DECIDE TO READ THESE WORDS.

father, how did we end up like this?
oh father, will we ever be better?
i just need one look to know that we are lost untied in the abyss.

suicide, you tried it once before
in the barn outside our home
mother had to find you
and call you a coward all the way to the hospital
as you attempted to undo
everything that had already been done.

the old you, the one my five year old self remembers
traps itself in the back of your mind
scratching at your insides
while you watch the embers
from behind.

i'm a daughter with daddy issues
a bird pushed from it's nest
when i don't know what flying even is
i cry out at the bottom of the tree drowning in stress
while you sit high above me
counting down the amount of time it takes
for me to quiet down.

mother tells me that you are upset
small talk is the only thing keeping us from falling apart.

our friendship is like waiting in a drought,
draining and disappointing,
making me doubt
everything you have become.

mother calls you a narcissist,
sister calls you a monster,
i cling on to the centimeters left of hope
that the old you that had protected me from ever getting hurt
is deep within the cavity of your chest
hanging from a tightrope
while the new you tries to cope.

father, tell me a bedtime story 
one where we're happy in the end,

( one where our friendship can finally mend. )