on this day.

before saying goodnight, 10:02 pm.

c. BEFORE SAYING GOODNIGHT, 10:02 pm.

01. i fear the me that stares back a reflection so cold i feel icicles solidifying in the back of my throat ; for this i blame that i can't speak to you when this iceberg of a soul doesn't know the right words to choose when i finally have the chance to speak to you

02. i am the flightless fly that buzzes around the only lit lamp in your bedroom ; i spin out of control when you turn it off and my god do i know i am annoying but i hope you find that i do have feelings just like you and i don't want your attention but i do for i need help my wings are broken and so is every piece of bone that has burnt so many bridges that her river is flooded with ashes

03. put me out of my misery ; kill me when i am not paying attention ; i always dreamed of where i would be without you ; better off dead in a coffin underground for sure ; a heart beating that is not singing for you has no meaning without you by my side so i scream ; scratch away at my skin until it peels away like a hangnail i've been picking at for weeks  ; why can't you hear me ; even when i take my time to unstitch each thread that has sewn your ears shut

04. if you don't want to stay up late in the night listening to my
taunting bellows then why waste your needle
on two ears when you could sew my mouth shut

05. i meant it when i said i was seeing color for the first time when you had come around ; making this house more of a home ; crystals bounced off more than black and white ; ivory paper had periwinkle in words i forgotten i had typed ; red lights waved hello instead of screaming too late ; the bold print of yesterday's news seemed less dreadful and more hopeful ; my eyes adjusted to this vivid image of oranges and yellow bananas ; the way the sun stretched sleepy eyed over hilltops and kissed us a goodnight as the girlfriend of her's had arrived ; a work of art to watch your chest heave up and down as peacefully as i remember ; the blue behind your eyes ; it held more despair than i cared to notice

06. i miss you, will you ever come back?

07. the stars don't shine as bright but i blame that on the lack of knowledge i had knowing that they couldn't last forever because nothing lasts that long not even hope or birthday wishes or an us ; maybe that's what crushed us ; the idea of what we were being more than it could be ; stretching it like puddy into a shape it could never fulfill

08. i blew out my seventeen candles stacked on top of a marble chocolate frosted cake wishing something ; i want to tell you but i know i can't or it won't come true ; this stupid superstition of mine is maybe the only spare of hope i have left that everything i have grown up to know still exist ; let's just say it was you ; about you ; you were on my mind ; that is still the same

09. i am running out of ways to express that i am lonely ; lost the only true definition of love i know is a synonym for hurt and i know i should have left my heart in the bolted shut safe that my mother built around my rib cage when i was only a fetus floating around in a home much safer than what i have now but trust fell from your lips like bittersweet honey and the smoothness of liquor ; only now am i feeling the burn in the back of my throat ; the hangover that has lasted more than a month ; heartache in words i wish i could find the right sentence structure to say

10. my mind is a mess ; i am left making a bulleted list
as to why i'm left so fucked up like this but it all leads back to you

10. you ;

11. how could you leave me like this out of everyone in my life

12. i miss you

12. part of me still loves you and by part of me i mean all of me

10. at least all that i have left that isn't broken into shards
on the floorboards of our old apartment

09. i miscounted but i can only go down from here for
the rope you have handed me to get out of
this well of misfortune has snapped and even if i create a noose
out of what is left i have nothing to hang from

08. you know how i get when i'm nervous ; i tend to forget easily ; my face turns a bright red ; my hands shake ; i feel dizzy ; right now i'm feeling everything at once ; the tug at the knot in my stomach every time your name is typed ; read out loud only to be erased and written in the form of you ; second person point of view ; i can't stand to see your name right now ; let alone let it fall from the chapped lips that winter has bitten so roughly but what's the difference anyways since i'll fall asleep and wake to you being the first and last thing on my mind

05. i miss you so fucking much ; i can hear my soul crying into the rustic leather of my heart ; hoping to be pieced back together ; soothed over as easily as waving my hand over my chest and feeling as complete and as full as i have ever been

03. i miss you in ways that nostalgia can't even cure the what if's and temporary suicide notes in the back of my head ; i file through hoping one day it'll all become reality with you waking up by side happy again ; feeling stardust between our fingers as they intertwine each other ; sand particles rubbing against our toes ; the soft crash of ocean waves drowning out the seagulls that sit only a few feet away from us 

03. i'm only awoken to the fact that you'll never return and i am left hanging out alone in the bottom of this well with fingers crossed ; maybe one day i'll get a second birthday wish or a shooting star will pass through just in case i've run out of all wishes
i'll wish for one more wish 

13. to be yours again

02. i failed us ; pushed us into something that
could never be ; i have said my apologizes but if one more is
what you need to come back then i'm sorry

01. please believe in me 

00. one last time

sincerely,
everything that is left of
who i used to be.