on this day.

it's wednesday nov 22 and i hope this is the last time i write about drowning.

xxxiii. IT'S WEDNESDAY NOV 22 AND I HOPE THIS IS
THE LAST TIME I WRITE ABOUT DROWNING.

i cradle what could've been

in a notebook full of messy writing
and a picture of you and i
that you gave to me
out of pity
on the night i asked how you felt about me.

a pillow soaked in the tears 
that poured from my eyes 
like a waterfall full of acid
but you ignored me in the hallways
the next morning
even with my eyes swollen red
in pain because of you
and the words you chose so carefully
the night before.

it seemed to become a cycle 
that with just the split second 
thought of you
would leave me the faucet within me
left turned on
and i would awake to a dark room
and the floorboards filled with water
that moved my mattress like ship
lost out in the sea.

it wasn't long before 
the water touched the ceiling 
and my hair would move like jellyfish
and my tears were camouflaged
to the extent that when i would leave my room for once that evening
my mother wouldn't even question
why i looked so drained.

the pressure on my chest 
that would leave me breathless
never seemed to go away
as the tears dried up
and the water evaporated into what it is today.

even though you still haunt me 
in the crevasses of my empty mind 
i hope this is the last time
that i ever make someone seem like a man
when they are nothing less than a boy
and i don't drown myself away into the
never ending sea with only my tears
for anyone ever again.