on this day.

for you to know.

xxv. FOR YOU TO KNOW.

i'm broken. the pieces of what should be fall through the spaces between fingers of people i loved too carefully and most that i didn't care for. i'm a bad person. lies filter easier than the truth in most cases these words add up to a white knuckled grip around a mirror like knife and i aim for the back of friends where their spines dance freely in hope of not seeing what lies behind them. i'm sleepless. staying up watching the stars wave, wondering when i'll be that free. i'm unmemorable, a mistake that is erased and then yelled at for having the end of the pencil be used on something so worthless. i'm tense. my lips are bruised from my crooked teeth and nail beds are bitten till they pulse crimson. my heart pounds hard when anxiety runs itself up my back like a spider taking its time with it's steps to reach the end of my neck. depression sits at the end of my bed offering to give me the comfort i need when an ocean presses itself against the back of my throat and no matter how hard i swallow, i always end up cuddling the tears as if it was my favorite pillow. i'm tired. no one asks me anymore how much sleep i get at night even with how deep purples and blues scream out hello to strangers who get too close. i'm fearful, a coward. i don't believe in faith even though it's all most have. complainer when i don't have the right to say a word when there are children dying in pain in other countries and of deadly diseases. i countdown the days until the weekend just to plan two whole days wrapped up in dirty sheets under a roof i'm too scared to call home. i'm unloved. mother cries out as father slams the front door shut and i'm only left to gather my siblings in hope they have already covered their ears to what they only ever known as love.

between wine and water, i choose poison.

i want to one day, as the heavenly body rises over the never ending ocean, walk myself slowly into the cold waves that whispered a lullaby my mother once hummed while putting a baby to sleep that had the whole future to explore. wait until my head fully submerged under the water i have feared my whole life, peacefully inhale the cold liquid into my lungs.

this, it's all for you to know
that i am 
what's wrong.

17.11.17
found in an old notebook
of mine dated December fifth
of two thousand
and fourteen.