on this day.

these words by themselves scream stay but you still can't hear me.

lxvii. THESE WORDS BY THEMSELVES SCREAM STAY
BUT YOU STILL CAN'T HEAR ME.

shut my eyes, squeeze them tight

white knuckled grips leave crescent moons
in the numbness of my palms 
but i still don't feel you next to me
not like i used to.

create a blockade 
against the sun that shines so bright 
i want to mourn
i want grief and all that is to come
over the death of what was to be
sit at the burial ground only the ghost of you visits
cry
scream
turn around to the million eyes of you staring back at me
listen as you talk behind my back
the knife you stabbed
it only ever digs deeper.

drive me down a road i believe in
drown me in waves that scream
nothing but your name 
i'm scared
terrified of being alone
with no one but myself
i'm frustrated
reaching for you
but you don't hold me
you never have.

hoping that when i open my eyes 
you'll be by my side 
hold my hands that bleed
for nothing less than forgiveness
for everything that i still will pursue.

i don't want to feel you around me anymore 
my shadow isn't mine
it's yours
i sleep with the lights off
close the shades at morning rise
you make no sound
but the graze of your fingertips
i feel it
you cause goosebumps on my arms
i fall asleep in hope i wake to this feeling gone
wake up in the desire of you being next to me.

this battle 
it only leaves me, myself, and i 
in bloody trenches
and my heart as the grenade.

can't you see 
i can only take so much
leave me alone
or stay by my side
this game of tug of war
is no longer child's play
but the cause of sadness
and the stillness of silence
the ashes that will remain at my feet
when you do finally decide
it's time to let go
leave me damaged
alone.

maybe it's for the better 
i whisper in hopes of believing
you'll come back
return
like you always do.