on this day.

don't worry about me too much, for the sake of my own heart.

lxxxv. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME TOO MUCH,
FOR THE SAKE OF MY OWN HEART.

TO SOMEONE WHO CARES;

my heart has never felt full. not at two pm, or six pm, definitely not at three am. i guess i'm sick of feeling so empty. like i have no significant meaning. i've always looked at myself as a coward, anxiety filled, absolutely nothing. it pains me to hear my mother cry at night for things she can't control. she doesn't deserve what is handed to her, she deserves much more. what i would do to lift the burdens off her shoulders, she seems weak lately, shaky. my father can't control his feelings. i feel bad for him. if i were him, i'd try to shoot myself too. my mother calls it a wake up call when she finds him in the barn, months later she calls it a fake out. this love; screaming, pleading, small talk that leads to even more distance. it's all i've ever known. i hate cliche movies, but i still wait for my prince. i'm starting think he is at the edge of a knife, the knots between a noose. but remember, i am a coward, selfish at most. my friends wonder why i don't eat, my sister questions the scars on my arm, my mother continues to cry herself to sleep on the tiles of the bathroom floor. maybe one day, i'll make the first move, kiss Death somewhere other than his fingertips. maybe one of these times, i'll find the energy, but for now, i'll tuck him close while i sleep.

my prince will know when to save me.