on this day.

these cigarettes won't stop me from wondering where you are.

xlii. THESE CIGARETTES WON'T STOP ME FROM WONDERING WHERE YOU ARE.

trouble running through your veins

evergreens and stretched stems
in gardens of misfortune 
you promised to keep me safe
from cold winds to summer days 
but the house on the hill
made of glory and every
erased mistake
sparked a flame in your eyes
and suddenly your back was to me,

it was the fastest i've ever seen you run.

yet i keep the light on 
in between the walls we built 
just in case you lost your way 
back to where i stand.

word has gone around
you've been looking for a
darker place to stay 
but i need you home
the quietness here
it makes me forget how
welcoming your voice once was.

the visual 
the art that stands in a golden frame 
it's all too memorable 
how quickly you disappeared
into the hills 
where the lighthouse stands.

back rests against the brick 
rusty red 
and broken down
taking one
two
five drags
hoping one day i'll be able to break
down these walls myself
and start over,

but it's hard to press restart
when i blow out smoke
and all i see 
is you staring back at me
mocking me

for i can't ever forget you 
and i can't let go.

so when you're willing to come back
forgive for all you've done 
find the light that flickers 
down the valley
by the river
where you left me
all alone.