Desire | Shawn Mendes

THIRTEEN

Song of the Chapter: I Feel It All - Feist

"I didn't rest, I didn't stop / Did we fight? / Or did we talk?"

= =

The elevator whirs and I feel like the fragile and hopeless 21 year old who felt completely lost and broken. What would this visit bring? What would come out of it? Only Dr. Jill could possibly know what was to come, and that always made me so anxious for these visits. I even brought my journal - just in case.

With a ding of the bell, the elevator doors open and I step out into the hall just as someone else steps in. I exchange a small smile with them and then continue on the familiar hallway that led to the practice of my former therapist. The familiar white walls brought back the scared feelings inside. I'm suddenly not 21, but I'm 20 and walking alongside my trusted guy friend as he holds my trembling hand while we walk down the hall to the doctor.

"Hey," Jack says as he lets go of my hand. He steps in front of me and lowers his head so his eyes meet mine and he places his hands at my shoulders. "It's okay. This isn't your only option, Jasmine. If you want to walk in the door and get the procedure done, I'm with you. If you want to walk out and have the baby, I'm with you. You're not alone. It's okay. You're going to be okay with whatever you decide."

I stand in front of the door that greeted me whenever I was nervous. With three deep breaths escaping my lips, I open the door and inhale the scent that was always so loving and familiar to me. The doors closes behind me and I walk to the black, leather chair next to a table of magazines. I take my seat and grab a magazine and open the page.

Shawn pops up in an ad. Of course... He lies in bed, shirtless and with only a pair of pants on as he looks at the model in the photo. His hand it at his wrists as there's a promotion for a Chanel cologne for men.

"My apologies." Dr. Jill's voice speaks as she pops out. "I should have gotten rid of those magazines."

"It's okay." I say while closing the magazine. "I'm doing better."

I place the magazine back with the others and stand up. Dr. Jill gives me a hug and then placed her hands at my wrists while looking me in the eyes.

"I know I said an hour, but we can go for as long as you need." She says to me.

"Thank you," I smile softly at her. She lets go of my wrists and then we walk down the small corridor to her office. She opens the door and we both step in. I take my seat on the familiar red sofa and place my purse on the floor by my feet while Dr. Jill sits in her black chair across from me. A coffee table with tissue and a glass of water sits between us.

"So how have you been?" She asks me with a warm smile.

"Pretty good actually. I got that promotion at work and I'm gonna fly out to see my mom next week." I answer.

"That's great. Do you want to jump right into why you're here or beat around the bush for a bit?" She asks as she opens her journal and prepares to write down little notes about our session.

"No, lets just jump right into it." I say.
"Good. Tell me how you felt when you saw him."

I let out a deep and harsh sigh. "I'm not a violent person. I'm not. But when I saw him, I wanted to push him out the window. You should have seen the look on his face! He demanded me and he put me in a position where I really couldn't say no. By demanding me, he put himself in power and for once I would like to feel like I'm not under his thumb like some bug."