Desire | Shawn Mendes

TWENTY THREE

Song of the Chapter: Blue Ocean Floor - Justin Timberlake

"Under the water you scream / So loud / But the silence surrounds you..."

- ONE MONTH LATER -

Do you ever not want to breathe?

And not in the suicidal, craving death way. But in the way where you don't want to breathe? The way where you still want to be walking around this earth, but where you're unnoticed and don't draw any sort of attention to you. Almost like where you're invisible and you notice everything around you on your own terms and in your own definitions. You don't talk. You don't breathe. You just watch. And listen.

"I hate you."

Hate is such a funny emotion. Some people say it just to say it, and some people mean it. You can never forget a number of things when hearing those words; you can never forget: the eyes, the tone of voice, the time, the day, the place. And two things you can never forget is the person who said it to you, and what you felt towards them.

The word flowed off my tongue so easily that it was almost as if I said it like nothing to him. But when Shawn said it, there was something else to it. It was almost as if he was saying it slowly and I could hear the perfect enunciation of the four letter word that everyone says is terribly strong. They're correct - it is a terrible word that is incredibly strong.

I suppose that the hatred he harbors for me prevented him from thanking me for the article.

"How are your nightmares?" Dr. Jill asks me.
"He's popped in some again." I reply.
"Some?" She questions. "Jasmine, are you getting enough sleep?"
"To be honest, no. I've been keeping myself up."
"Why don't you want to sleep?"
"Because I don't want to see him again."

Why do I always think about him when I know for a fact that he no longer wants me?

He somehow managed to lay low for a whole month from the public eye and I'm truly terribly nervous about having to see him tonight. I tried to hard to get out of the party, but I couldn't. It was mandatory and there truly was no escaping the situation that would later be at hand - I'm going to have to interact with him tonight.

Two, quick knocks outside the hotel door disrupt my anxious thinking and captures my full attention. I get up from the white bed and walk on over to the door and check who it is through the peephole. I see Eric and I open the door to him and reveal a small journal in his hands.

He holds it up and gives a small smile as he walks in my room. "Last minute notes about the launch party."

I close the door and follow him towards the little living area of the room. We sit on opposite chairs and I watch him as he opens the journal and flips through the pages.

"So you take the stage at precisely 9:07, you have three minutes to introduce Shawn. Half of it will be a TelePrompTer, and the other half will be based off your head and the time you both spent together. After that, he is going to speak, and since he's the main focus, you guys will go last, then after the speaking, everyone is going to go backstage for a little photoshoot for press." Eric explains to me. "Hey, why are you so nervous, kid? You're gonna do amazing."

"I'm just not a fan of public speaking. Thinking about it makes me incredibly nervous." I cover up.

"Take a shot if you have to." Eric jokes. He stays for a bit more and talks about the time we'll arrive at the building and in what car and everything that there was to know, then he leaves.