Desire | Shawn Mendes

FORTY EIGHT

- Shawn's View -

Song of the Chapter: Lovely - Billie Eilish ft. Khalid

"Need a place to hide, but I couldn't find one near / Wanna feel alive outside, I can't fight my fear..."

- s -

It's the next morning and I have a hangover. My head pounds and my stomach feels like an ocean. I had hoped that last nights events were just a terrible nightmare and maybe I had gotten drunk with Jasmine out of celebration rather than just sex, but as I open my eyes and don't see a trace of her, my hopes of it being a nightmare are crushed.

"No."

I only went back to the cabin to get my things and then I headed off to my condo where I got as drunk as I could before knocking out. That lasted until three in the morning and when my phone had died. I fell asleep on the couch and got up slowly as my head began to slowly pound and I felt nauseas. With my hand to my head, I slowly walked towards the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of Tums and walked back to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Afterwards, I charged my phone while I went into the bathroom, ran the hot water, undressed, and the got in the shower.

"No." I mutter against the water. A pathetic and weak chuckle escapes my lips as I close my eyes and let the water pour against my face.

I'm haunted by the fresh memory of watching the train leave and her window closed with the blind. But how do I tell her I had to leave right away because I didn't want her to see me get emotional? "Later." All I said to her was Later as she got on a train and left because I made her.

I place my hands over my face as I slowly push my hair out of my face and blink a few times.

What do I do? Do I fly to Chicago? Well I kind of have to, I moved half of my clothes and stuff into the house. Why didn't I just hug her goodbye at the train station? Why was I such a dick? I wonder how she feels.

Does she blame herself? Did she get any sleep? Usually whenever she feels like something is wrong she can't sleep. And when she can't sleep I'll force myself to stay awake until she falls asleep, and even then I don't want to sleep. When she sleeps I'll grab my guitar and play softly so make sure she's really asleep and then I'll usually stare at her while I play random but beautiful chords.

"Fuck." I say to myself. I put my hands on my face again and this time begin to laugh. "Shawn, you fucked up."

That's all I can think about - my behavior towards her. What happened to 'fight for her'? I turn around so the water hits my shoulders and I try and think for a moment.

"Alright Shawn," I say to myself. "Pros and cons... Pro, you stop being a dick and fight for her... Con, you keep being a dick and give up the fight."

I place my head against the wall of the shower, close my eyes, and wait for the slow pounding of my head to come to a stop as I focus on my breathing.

"Beautiful." I open my eyes as I hear the voice of Jasmine and I quickly turn around to no one. Nothing. Mind games are a terrible thing, but it's always worse when it's your own.

After my shower I'm dressed in joggers and a random hoodie as I head back to the kitchen to grab my phone, now charged with enough battery to last me about a few hours.