Desire | Shawn Mendes

FORTY SIX

Song of the Chapter: Over and Over - Fleetwood Mac

"Don't turn me away, and don't let me down / What can I do to keep you around?"

- j -

My chest sinks as I close my legs and look at Shawn. He looks at the ring that had slipped through his grip and fallen on the floor. By the way he's staring at it too long, I know its an excuse for him to not look at me. His right foot lifts up as he taps it gently and I look at his hands and how they fidget. I slowly bring my eyes up to see his face and he's looking at me and I wish that I didn't look at him.

His eyes are nearly closed as he looks at me with sadness. His lips are parted in the slightest and he has a little slouch to his back.

"Shawn...?" I begin, but I don't even know what I would want to say. What do you say?

Shawn shakes his head as he steps back and fixes his pants. He buckled his belt and he grabs his keys before turning around and making a way for the door. It opens and it doesn't even hit me that he's leaving until he's halfway at his car. I hop off the counter and stumble slightly before I walk out after him.

"Shawn?" I call out to him.

"Going for a drive." He says as he opens the door and gets in. I'm not even halfway before he's already pulling out of the trail and heads out to the road. I let out a sigh and my chest hurts. I place a hand on my forehead as I walk back into the house, ready to fight back tears.

I look at the ring that mocks me. I fall to my knees and pick it up, and then hold it to my eye level as I stare at it.

Is this the ring he really had for me, all of this time?

The ring burns in my grip and I hold out my left hand and slide it onto my ring finger. The ring fits and it's my size, but it doesn't feel right. Something about this moment doesn't feel right. I've had several rings on this finger, so I know it's not a foreign feeling. But at the same time, it does feel foreign. Something about this ring on my finger feels odd and off balance. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, then open my eyes.

"I said yes." I say as I pretend like I'm showing off my ring to imaginary guests. I can only stare at my extended arm; the ring makes it feel heavy. More like the magnitude of what had happened makes it feel heavy. I close my eyes and imagine another scenario where I could try and show off an engagement ring.

But I cannot. I can only think of my mother cutting her tulips and I can only think of telling Shawn I loved him. I love him, I do. I don't know why my answer was even an option. Lord knows this is what 19 year old Jasmine desperately wanted the moment she was introduced into him. Shy, fragile, innocent Jasmine wanted to marry him when she sat on his counter top, holding that glass of water and watching him cook for her. Outgoing, strong, experienced Jasmine wanted to marry him the minute she got off that plane and came to him at five in the morning after his fight. So why doesn't New, brave, happy Jasmine want to marry him?

Another sigh escapes my lips as I go to take off the ring.

"Uh oh." I whisper to myself. I purse my lips into a thin line as I try to take off the ring. "Fuck." I try again, and it budges, but not enough to take it off. "Come on....please." Finally after some painful twists that resulted in my hitting my fresh nail, the ring comes off and falls to the floor again.

For ten minutes, I can only stare at the elephant that is the ring.

I pick the ring up and place it on the counter next to my clutch. I grab my phone and check Shawn's location. His last location was two minutes ago at some place called Mary's Spot. I click on the location and once I copy the address, I call for an Uber, then place the ring in the clutch, and head out the house and begin to walk down the trail to meet the driver that would be arriving in seven minutes.