Desire | Shawn Mendes

FIFTY FOUR

Song of the Chapter: When You're Ready - Shawn Mendes

"Yeah you know that we fit together  / I know your heart like the back of my hand..."

- j -

The cab ride back to the apartment is silent.

I keep my distance from Shawn in the backseat as I just stare ahead, finding a fake interest in the back of the headrest before me. Shawn's knee was bouncing up and down the whole ride and was deep in thought; his hand never left his mouth as he kept biting at his finger nails. With just a quick glance of the street I see that we've made it to the block and the taxi then comes to a slow before stopping. I get out first and head into the building while Shawn was left to pay for the cab ride.

Each step I took up the stairs my chin wobbled more and as I reached the door my eyes were brimmed with hot tears that began to slide down my face while I unlocked the door, throwing the keys at the floor as I angrily stomped inside.

"Baby, it's okay." Shawn says from behind me as he closes the door.

He comes to hold me but I push him away but he fights it. I shake my head and tell him several times that I don't want him to touch me, even though he knows deep down I need to be held. Shawn calls my name again and again as he tried to hold my arms and get me to look at him.

"It's okay." Shawn tells me again.

I finally push him off me and I wipe at my tears with the back of my hands before storming off into the bedroom, Shawn following behind me. My hands go to my head as I let out a scream behind my teeth. Shawn just stands there as he's not exactly sure what to do. More tears slide out and I grab a pillow and throw it on the floor, then grab more until I have no more to throw around the room.

"Jasmine. It's okay." Shawn says to me as he manages to grab a hold of my wrists. He holds them in his hands and sits down at the edge of the bed and pulls my body closer to his. "Baby, look at me. It's okay."

"It's not okay!" I shout at him. I fight out of his grip but he holds on stronger and stands up. "It's not fucking okay!"

"Yes it is! It's going to be okay!" Shawn tried to reassure me. "Look at me, hey, look at me."

He places a hand at the side of my face while continuing to hold onto my wrists. His eyes are painful to look into so I keep my eyes closed and try and focus on anything but can't. "Baby, look at me. Come on, look at me please."

"No." I sob. "No it's not going to be okay! Nothing is going to be okay." I shake my head and wiggle free from his grip. I wipe at my tears that fogged up my vision and turn out the room and lock myself in the bathroom.

The door knob twists and I sit on the edge of the sink and cry into my hands as I curled over.

"Jasmine! Open the door. Open it!" Shawn says from the other side.

"Go away!" I sob.

"I'm not going anywhere." Shawn says. "I lost you once and I'm never gonna lose you again."

This is my karma.

I had an abortion and now I can't have any more kids. This is my fault. Everything bad that has happened to us is my fault. Had I just listened to Jack when he told me to call Shawn after the test came back positive, we wouldn't be in this mess. We would be with a kid that we both love and Shawn would be training and I would be tucking our baby in bed. That's what would and what should be happening. But instead Shawn is pleading for me to open the door and I'm sobbing in the bathroom, feeling my heart aching one strand at a time.