Slow Love

The Apology/3

Pulling me up, leading me to the bedside chair, he has me sit while he proceeds to kiss me- beginning at my neck. First a kiss, then a lick and a quick flick of his tongue as he moves over every inch of my body. Tracing soft, wet kisses down my arms and back to my shoulders, he covers all in painstaking detail. I shiver, tremble and writhe. Resting on his knees and pulling my hips toward him, I slouch back in the chair. He quickly goes over to the bed for a pillow to put behind my back. Placing the pillow behind me, he returns to the floor in front of me, resting on his knees, hands on my thighs stroking softly; he looks me up and down. 

"Oh Baby, you are so beautiful. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. Even though it has only been just over a year that we've been together, it seems like a lifetime because it feels like I've always known you. I often wonder if things had been different back then, what would have have happened? I think that when we made love, we would have been making beautiful babies. I would have loved to have had babies with you, the true meaning of conceived in love." 

My eyes fell shut to think about what he just said. Tears are dripping out of the corners as I feel his hand brush them away. "Baby, please don't cry. I was just expressing how much I love you." Trying desperately to hold back my tears, I am trembling. I don't want to have this conversation with him tonight. Maybe just a part of it, maybe. I try to gather my thoughts on how to say this. I lean forward to whisper in his ear, "Sweetheart, if that's what you want, we could make it happen. It 'is' possible to make a baby." He pulls me back to look at me with excitement, "Are you serious?!? I don't understand, how could it happen at our age?" 

 I knew I was going to have to cross this bridge sooner or later. He opened it up for discussion, and I spilled the tea. Bonnie is right, he needs to know the story, but tonight, he's only getting part of it. I will tell him all in due time. "Sweetheart, I really don't know how to begin. After my tragedy in Beirut, the surgeons in Germany spared an ovary when they performed the hysterectomy to save my life. When I was married before, eggs were harvested and stored in cryonics in case we ever wanted a baby. The last time my eggs were harvested was about 12 years ago. They are available should we decide to try to have a baby. Obviously, I could never carry a baby, but a surrogate could." 

 His eyes light up, dancing with excitement. He crashes into my lips and kisses me with fervor. "Come on Baby, we need to talk and explore this exciting news. Where do you want to go, the beach cabana?" "Sweetheart it is too chilly down there. How about we use the new poolside cabana. It's more protected from the cool breeze and has the heater." "Perfect, let's get a bottle of bubbly to enjoy while we talk." We throw some clothes on, grab a bottle of champagne and head out. He lights the heater to make it cozy warm. Pouring a glass of bubbly, we get comfortable to have a conversation I dread having. Hopefully, it will go well.

When he hugs me I can feel his excitement growing, that electric feeling we share with one another. "Baby, do you really want to have a baby with me?" I ponder my answer. This is the part of the conversation I really didn't what to have. I have to tell him, he needs to know. "Well, I am older now and haven't really thought about it for a long time. When I was younger I did." "Baby, age is just a number, it doesn't matter how old we are. Let's make a baby!" 

 "Not so fast Sweetheart. I've been genetically screened and I am free of any defects that could be passed on. We both know you have something going on there. What do you think the outcome will be? Sweetheart, one of the reasons I've avoided this conversation is I know all about all the hurt, anger and despair you felt when you and Mayte lost Amir.......Can you face the disappointment and heartache of that possibility again? At this stage in my life, I know I can't. It would suck the life right out of me to deal with a heartache of that magnitude."