Slow Love

Walking in Moonlight

While we were outside for our moonlight walk, the staff cleaned up the dinner dishes and lit the fireplace before they left for the day. It was so nice to have the warmth upon our arrival back inside as the night air was brisk. Taking a seat on the sofa in front of the fireplace, "Baby, a cup of coffee?" "Yes, please, Sweetie. That would be lovely, thank you." 

While he is fixing me a cup of coffee, I brace myself for what he talked to Steve about today. I know it's gonna be a doozie. I keep telling myself, everything will be alright. If I say it enough, maybe I can convince myself it will be. He quickly returns with my cup and he has one in hand too. Getting situated on the sofa together, we cuddle up, enjoying the fire burning in the fireplace. I sip my coffee quietly thinking he's going to start talking any minute now, give it enough time for his caffeine to kick in. 

"Baby, I know you came to help me this afternoon when I screamed for you. I heard you come busting thru the door, but Steve stopped you. Right?" Still gazing into the fire, I nod my head. "I heard you talking to Steve. I needed you, why didn't you come over to help me?" I sit my coffee down, turn into him, wrapping my arms around him, laying my head on his chest, looking up at him. 

"Sweetheart, you know why. You had to work through that on your own. I'm here now if you want to tell me what it was all about." His hand in my hair, twirling the curls through his fingers, he loves doing that when he's thinking and mulling it over in his mind. It has a calming effect on us both. 

Speaking softly in a low tone, "I told Steve we're contemplating having a baby. He told me it will be difficult, but not impossible, for me to pass the psych evaluation. I'm going to have to work extra hard if that's our goal. He informed me you're good to go. Steve also told me that you are the best grief counselor in the world because of everything you've been through and how you ultimately resolve it. He said that it was a gift you are blessed with. Will you share your gift with me?" 

I sit up, turn slightly towards him, lift his hands in mine to reassure him. "Sweetheart, it is relatively simple. I've been sharing my gift with you all along, for many years. There are 7 stages of grief; shock/disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, sorrow/depression and acceptance/hope, not in that order. It takes time to work through all those stages, but when you arrive at the final stage, acceptance, you move forward into engaging in life. Healing continues to be worked on throughout your life. You are able to plan and dream of a positive future, you find ways, renew ways to laugh and enjoy life again. Yet you carry a changed outlook on life that can never be reversed. We both have already done that. Although my life is forever changed, I found many meaningful ways to rejoin the world and live a meaningful life. Sweetheart, both you and I have coped with our grief by not talking about it, not living in the past...living life only in the present. Really, that is a form of acceptance, resolution, and hope. I remember times when I just wanted to focus on how things were going at the moment so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain that was beneath the surface. Sure, bringing up those buried emotions that have never been allowed to surface hurts, it is excruciatingly painful like it all happened yesterday, but it is essential to feel that pain, to open your heart and be able to heal. It only heals when you allow yourself to feel that pain. I know that was what you were going through this afternoon. You scream, you cry, you throw things, you hit inanimate objects to release that pain. It is far better to work through those emotions than to stuff them aside. As much as I wanted to rush to your side to console you, I knew you had to do that all by yourself to arrive at a sense of well being...resolve, and begin the healing process. You feel better now, right?" He nods. 

"Sweetheart, I know exactly what you were talking to Steve about today. You needed to resolve the death of your son, Amiir. All those years ago I told you, 'you can not keep those feelings bottled up and buried without first working through them completely'. Do you remember that?" Persing his lips as he nods. "Sweetheart, if you want to talk to me, I'm here for you. If not, that's alright too. It's totally up to you."