Luther's Adventure Log

Lutherlicious

"We've near arrived." Monica said solemnly as we cleared the gate, escorting the stupid cow over the corpses of a bunch of dead goblins. Behind her came the ox cart pulling the Hydra's head, with Frenchie and her buds bringing up the rear.

"Hey, can we talk about what just happened back there?"

"Wolves hunt in packs?"

"Yeah, how come Ted just turned into vapor?"

"I fear I've-"

"Finish that sentence and I will end you, Twintails Cthugha."

The ox was still taking its own sweet-ass time. In my frustration, I gave it a swift kick in the ass. To my surprise, it tore off at warp speed, hilariously running over Monica in the process. The guards at the gates gave us sass and refused to let us in for some reason. They had no actual reason to refuse to let me in, they were just being dicks about it. Frenchie set them straight, though. Apparently foriegn chicks with tasty thighs are allowed in, but Lutherlicious Arisen with six-packs and their demonic red-eyed sidekicks need an invite. It's probably because we're dressed in sack cloths.

Frenchie told me she'd catch me on the flip, we high-fived and made finger guns at each other, then she walked off to the castle with the giant snake head in tow. Some guy tried to sell me something immediately afterwards, apparently thinking I was an easy mark, but I just walked away mid-conversation. Monica was suddenly excited for some reason, behaving slightly less cold and bitchy than usual, talking about her BFF Sara who helped her out last time she was here. So Lutherliciously, I ignored every single word out of her mouth and kicked open the double doors to the inn.

"AW YEAH. TIME FOR A NAP." I declared, slamming down 500 gold on the counter. "Keep the change."

"This is exact change."

"You fuckers charge five hundred fucking gold for a bed?! How in the hell do you stay in business!?"

"We also teach people how to wield giant swords, shoot really big bows, cast spells that threaten the very fabric of reality, and offer a storage service."

"So did Jesus at the encampment! For half that price!"

"We charge a premium for the bed not being made of spiders and briar bushes like the ones at the encampment."

"Fine. But I'm only paying for one bed!"

"Where will your lady friend sleep?"

"Now, you've made a mistake. A common mistake that I will forgive you for. But you see, this isn't my lady friend. Some call her the Black Goat With A Thousand Young. Others call her The Monster Behind The Mirror. Others still call her The Dweller of Darkness. I call her Monica. This is an Elder God from beyond the Rift that's taken the shape of a figment of my imagination so as to blend in among us hapless mortals that is bound to my will as my unwilling slave. She does not sleep. She does not eat. She does not blink. She knows no fear, no love, no mercy. One day, she may very well break free of her tether and break the whole goddamn world."

"So she's a Pawn."

"You know what that is?"

"Oh, yeah. We get them in here all the time. There's an entire guild full of them in the crappier part of town."

"You mean there's a crappier part of town?"

"Shall I escort you there, Master?" Monica sighed, finally speaking.

"I just paid for a bed, damn it! I'm going to use it!" I flopped stubbornly into the bed that five hundred gold coins had gotten me. "Fuck. it's so goddamn comfy. It's like it's hugging me. Like I'm a fucking baby kangaroo in its mommy's pouch. Fuck. I'm so goddamn comfortable. But five hundred gold!"

Monica took her standard position by the foot of the bed, staring at me unblinking. I shut my eyes tight and rolled to face the wall. Not even her creep-ass self could ruin how unbelievably comfortable this bed was.