Luther's Adventure Log

Nurda

"I don't know, Zarianna. Nurda doesn't seem all that reliable to me." Monica sighed, watching the deranged pigtail-wearing dwarf run around shouting nonsense and headbutting barrels.

"Trust me! When have I ever steered you wrong?"

"How long do you have?" Monica replied primly.

"Oh, what do you know! You thought Luther was going to be a good Arisen."

"I'm literally standing right here." I said, thinking maybe they'd stop.

"He still might be! You need to give him a chance!" Monica protested, taking my arm and petting my chest. What was I, a pet?

"Monica, sweetie, he's been the Arisen for almost a month now and the most heroic thing he's done is evict a family of three from their home on behalf of a fat drug lord."

"Fournival's a drug lord!?" I gasped. If I'd have known that, I wouldn't have settled for some measly cash award.

"That may be the case, but one month isn't very long. My Master might turn out to be the one to end this cycle! You never know!" Monica kept petting me. I wasn't sure what was worse, that she was treating me like less of a person now, or that I felt bad about taking offense to it.

"Monica, if this pointy-eared village idiot manages to live long enough to even confront the Dragon, I will eat an entire goblin whole."

"Zari, you do that anyway."

"Yeah, but I won't cook it this time or make its friends watch."

"Oh, what in the actual fuck!?" I knew Zarianna was unusual, but that bothered even me.

"Master, please be quiet. We're having a conversation." Monica said absently, placing a finger to my lips.

"BE SURE TO SAVE ENOUGH FOR LODGING!!!" Nurda screamed, throwing a crate at a wall to shatter it, then scooping the Salomet's Secret soft drinks that were contained within into his pockets.

"See? He's helping!" Zarianna said, patting the deranged mutant dwarf on the head as he gnawed on a sprig of greenwarish.

"BEYOND THOSE GATES LIE THE DUKE'S CASTLE, I'D WARRANT!"

"Why, what a brilliant observation, Nurda! Yes, indeed! See, Monica? Even Nurda here is a better Arisen than Luther."

"You do realize I can hurl you off a clifftop with absolute impunity and not suffer any negative consequence for it, right?"

"Tough talk, coming from a so-called Arisen who wears a strip of beef jerky for a cape."

"Okay, I need to know. Are you a cannibal? Because most people don't see capes and think 'beef jerky'."

"Of course I'm not. I don't eat other Pawns."

"Alright, but that's not really what I was asking."

"Luther, baby, come on! You can trust me! I promise I won't eat you! Just as long as you're alive!"

"Yeah, that's not really comforting at all."

"Well, it's better than just sticking you in the ground to rot and get munched on by worms, right? That's just a waste! I mean, once you're dead, what are you going to need your meat for?"

"Okay, I think I've changed my mind. You can go back to the Rift now."

"Ooh, so sorry! You signed a contract, which means I'm here to stay! If you didn't want me to eat your remains, you should have read the fine print!"

"Monica, I literally cannot tell if she's kidding right now. Please tell me that wasn't actually in the contract."

"You mean you didn't read it?" Monica asked, a mischievous smile on her lips. "Oh, Master... what a gaffe."