Luther's Adventure Log

Herman

"Alright, team, we have a new job. Really important, actually a big deal this time. Salvation has captured the Greatwall!"

"That sounds like bad news." A short, hairy little man said, pocketing a cup.

"Yeah, it- Wait, who the hell are you?" I asked, doing a double-take. He was short, broad, and incredibly muscular, with a long, well-groomed beard and slicked-back hair. He gave me the creeps. His features were inarguably handsome, but the brilliant violet eyes were more than a little off-putting when he refused to blink.

"He's, uh... he's Zarianna's son." Monica said hesitantly. "His name is Herman." She seemed to be hiding behind me for some reason, cuddling close to my back as she said it.

"I thought her husband was just recently pregnant! This is a grown-ass man!"

"Pawns don't obey the conventional laws of physics as you know them, Master." Monica reminded me, for some reason trying to hide from Herman's line of sight entirely. "He's a groper." She whispered nervously. "He's already made several very inappropriate advances on me. It's making me very uncomfortable."

"The beautiful redhead with the glorious perfect breasts and the killer legs is correct. Indeed, I am Herman the Many-Finder, son of Zarianna the Hyena and Knot the Knot. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Lord Arisen!" Without skipping a beat, he took my hand and started kissing it, all the way up to my elbow before Zarianna bonked him on the head. I could not have been more creeped out.

"Bad Herman! How many times have I warned you about that shit?!" She snarled, her own brilliant violet eyes flashing with anger.

"Oh, I've long since lost count, Mother Dear." He chuckled lecherously. "And I very much doubt this will be the last time."

"Zee, what's this guy's deal?" I asked, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious as he continued to leer at both Monica and myself. I ended up wrapping my cloak around my shoulders to cover more of myself, even though I was fully clothed. I even considered pulling the hood up.

"He needs some field experience, so I agreed to bring him along on some of my adventures. This one seems pretty even-paced, for the most part. Casual, easy-going, but not without action."

"You're telling me." Herman interjected, licking his lips at us. Monica shuddered, and as her own clothes were pretty revealing, she hid herself under my cloak with me, poking only enough of her head out to keep an eye on Herman.

"As I was saying, this is a pretty safe environment for him to learn a thing or two in. Don't worry, Luther. I promise, I'll keep him on a short leash. He might even turn out to be useful."

"Alright, he can come." I said, immediately regretting my choice of words.

"Oh, baby, I always come. But don't worry. I always make sure to satisfy my partners."

"But only if he keeps that crap to a minimum!" Monica's muffled voice said from beneath my cloak. "Master, I need new clothes. More modest ones."

"Alright! More to the imagination!" Herman said with a grin.

"No! Stop! None of that!" I said, pushing Monica behind me. "Only I am allowed to leer at women, undress them with my eyes, and make them uncomfortable!"

"Can I leer at you, then?" He replied, wiggling his eyebrows. "Because Herman likes what he sees!"

"You may admire me from afar." I said, still slightly uncomfortable with his unblinking stare.

"Tease."

"Zee, you need to keep him on a very short leash."

"Don't worry, Luther. He won't be any bother. Will you, Herman?" Zarianna growled, her voice distorting and growing impossibly deep. Herman visibly tensed up.

"No, Mother Dear."

"You will be on your very best behavior, won't you, Herman?"

"Yes, Mother Dear."

"And you know what will happen if you step out of line, don't you, Herman?"

"Y-yes, Mother D-dear."

Zarianna sighed, rubbing her temples. "He's not a bad kid, Luther. He's just horny."

"Well... I can understand that, to an extent."

"Master, he's staring at me again." Monica's muffled voice said from inside my cloak. "Make him stop."

"No, I'll handle it, Twintails." Without skipping a beat, Zarianna ripped out one of Herman's eyes. Straight out of the socket. No hesitation at all. Just yanked it right out and crushed it like a grape. Herman recoiled, covering the now-empty socket with both hands as he howled in agony. "Bad! Herman!"

"Zarianna, what the fuck!? He's your son!"

"Don't worry, Luther. It'll grow back. See that nifty bib he's wearing?"

"It's a tabard, Mother!" Herman screamed, still covering his face.

"Whatever. It has the unique magical property of healing him over time. That eye will have grown back in about five minutes. Nothing to worry about. Didn't you say we have to protect a wall or something?"

"R-right. Yeah, the Greatwall. I guess we'd better get moving. It's a hell of a long walk."