Luther's Adventure Log

Fighting Vipers

"Looks like the fighting is already underway." Zarianna pointed out, stepping over a few dead bodies.

"Master, find Mercedes! Leave the battle down here to us!" Monica said, readying her spells.

"Sounds good. I'd better get up there before she passes out. Judging by all the fires, she's probably super drunk." I reached the top of the stairs just in time to see her turn the corner. Naturally, I followed.

"FIGHT ME, VIPER!!" Mercedes slurred loudly, pointing her sword at one of the three Juliens she probably saw wobbling in front of her.

"Okay, but why, though?" Julien asked, furrowing his brow.

"You colluded with Shalvation to... to... to do a really bad shit!"

"No, I didn't." He lied poorly. "I was just... you know, like, messing around. The real reason I did it was to screw over Gransys."

"Okay, but why, though?" I parroted him, helping Mercedes stay upright.

"Oh heeyyyy, Luther! You're here, too!" Mercedes slurred happily, leaning on my shoulder. "Aweshome! We can kick hish ash together!"

"Because Duke Edmun is such a shit. How can you people stand that guy?"

"Uh-huh. Nothing to do with your necrophilia?"

"I'm not a necrophiliac!"

"Uh-huh."

"Yeah?! Well, Mercedes is a whore who had sex with all the men in the Enlistment Corps! Except for you!"

"Really, Julien?" I sighed, raising an eyebrow.

"How dare you shay shuch shlander!" Mercedes gurgled, stepping forward and slashing at the air, nearly falling over. Once again, I held her upright.

"All I heard was the bleating of a she-goat in heat!"

"Eat shteel and die, kraut!"

"Hey, whoa, Mercedes! You're drunk as hell! Maybe you should sit this one out."

"Back off and stay out of this, Luther! I'm not ash think ash you drunk I am! Thish ish an honor of matter now!"

So Mercedes lunged towards Julien, and what happened next was just about the saddest slap-fight I have ever seen between two knights. They had some of the lamest trash talk I've ever heard. And Mercedes, being piss-blind drunk, was obviously at a disadvantage. Julien was being a total douche about it, too. So instead of just letting my drinking buddy get her head caved in by some necrophiliac, I casually walked behind Julien and knocked him right the fuck out by slamming the butt of my dagger into the back of his head. He went out like a light.

"That's why a good helmet has a back part." I said smugly, leaning over his unconscious form. I checked to make sure he had a pulse, then patted a drunk Mercedes on the head. In response, she threw up all over Julien while I took his shield. "This looks neat. It's got a face on it. I think I'm gonna keep it."

"Luuutheerrrrr!" Mercedes sobbed drunkenly, throwing her arms around me and pressing her face into my chest. "I'm such a screw-up! My dad hates me! My brothers are so much better than I am! Everybody laughs at me! Uwaahhhh!!" None of this was new. I heard her drunkenly cry about this crap literally every single time she invited me out drinking. Like always, I just patted her on the back and let her cry. "Julien's such a diiiiiiick!"

"That's it. Get it all out of your system."

"Master... is everything okay?" Monica asked, looking at the drunken Mercedes crying into my shirt and the unconscious Julius covered in barf lying on the ground a few feet away.

"We're all good here, Twintails. Just another day in the life of the Solution!" I looked at Julius and frowned. "We might need a towel, though. I'm not dragging him back to Gran Soren smelling like Mercedes' breakfast."

"Hey, Luther. Want to hear a story?" Mercedes giggled, still a little drunk.

"Sure, why not." I sighed, dragging Julien behind me in chains. He struggled a little until I hit him in the face with his own club. He was much more cooperative when he was out cold. His head hit a few rocks on the way, but I gave him the option to walk on his own, wide awake, and he didn't take it.

"There once was an Arisen with a cute butt..."

"Oh, boy, am I in suspense."

"And his name was Luther!" Mercedes squealed, unable to contain her laughter.

"Yep. That story's just as funny as the first thirty times I heard it."

"Luther, seriously, why did you hang out with this chick?" Zarianna asked under her breath so only I could hear her.

"She drinks a lot, she's got low self-esteem, she's hot, and her accent makes my pants tight. You do the math."

"Did you get any?"

"Does this look like the face of a man who got any?"

"Damn, not even a drunk girl with low self-esteem would sleep with you."

"It's less that she wouldn't sleep with me and more that I couldn't find a place to take her."

"You have a room reserved at the Union Inn!"

"Yeah, but Monica's there! I don't know how Pawns get their freak on, but I can't perform when there's a pissed-off woman wreathed in flames giving me a death glare! Mister Peep, he shrivels up and gets terrible stage fright."

"I'm not even four feet away from you, Master." Monica said darkly.

"And there's a beautiful drunken woman right here, and what do you know, Mister Peep's still got performance anxiety."

"It's just as well. Ser Mercedes would burn with shame if she woke up naked next to you." Monica huffed, crossing her arms.

"Luther, I've got a joke!" Mercedes giggled, clinging to my arm. "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?" I sighed, humoring her.

"Your cute butt!" She cackled, laughing into my shoulder.

"I would fucking destroy you right now if we had the time."

"What?"

"What?"