Luther's Adventure Log

The Lost Lenore

"Luther, aren't you going to be late for tea with the Duchess?" Meridith asked, tapping his watch.

"Oh, that. Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna go. It sounds seedy."

"What meeting? Master, if you're being invited to have tea with the Duchess, you can't just brush it off!" Monica protested.

"I don't think I even know who the Duchess is, Monica. Hell, I'm not sure there actually is a Duchess. Eddy never talks about her when we hang out. He mostly just makes fart jokes and rude limericks about peasants. Very inaccurate ones, I might add."

"There most certainly is a Duchess, Master, and I'm not letting you shirk your duties! You're meeting her tonight, no buts about it!"

"But I don't even like tea, Monica!"

"You're going!"

After losing an argument, I ended up walking around the castle at night. It was really dark, none of the torches were lit, and nobody was awake. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made that maybe the Duchess meant I should meet her at 2:00 PM as opposed to 2:00 AM, but I was already here. If she demanded to know why I showed up in the dead of the night, I'd tell her about the mistake she'd made on the letter, no harm done.

"Hey, is this the right place? I'm Luther Goodfisher. I was supposed to have tea with the Duchess?"

"Come in!" A familiar voice from the other side of the door said, with a bit too much enthusiasm. "I mean, uh... come in." The voice repeated, now low and husky.

"Uh... 'Kay." I pushed open the door and walked in, only to be met with the sight of a young blonde girl wearing a skimpy nightgown and laying rather suggestively on the bed, like she was posing for a lewd rendering. I wasn't sure if it counted as lingerie or not, but it was pretty much see-through. It did not leave a lot to the imagination. Which was good, because the girl didn't have a whole lot to imagine.

"It's about time you got here." She continued in the sultry voice.

"...I think there's been a mistake. See, I'm supposed to meet the Duchess. For some tea."

"Oh, there's no mistake. See, I've got a problem..." She got up and pinned me to the wall. "And you're the Solution!"

"Wow. Okay, listen, sweetheart, as much as you nailed that line, I'm gonna stop you right here. This the Duchess' room. I don't know where she's at, but I don't think she'd like it if she walked in on us slapping meat on her sheets. Not that you have a lot of meat to slap, but I digress."

"Ser Goodfisher, don't you recognize me? Surely you remember! From the garden, just the other day!" When I showed no spark of recognition, she pulled the stupid hat I'd taken away from Feste after he tried to make me wear it out from under her pilow and put it on her head with a smile.

"Ohhh! You're the gardener! I didn't recognize you without any clothes! Why did you say you were the Duchess?"

"Because I am the Duchess!"

"But... that would mean Eddy's your husband."

"Yes, but he's so old and so very cold and distant!"

"...The Duke."

"Yes."

"The only man in the entire kingdom with the authority to have me killed."

"Yes!"

"...And you're..."

"Trying to seduce you, obviously!"

"...Okay, but why, though?"

"THREESOME TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!" A loud voice from outside the room shouted, loud enough to echo in the night. "I hope you've been using those toys I bought for you, Lenore, because today's the day!" Duke Edmun Dragonsbane burst into the room dressed identical to Feste, who was following close behind.

"Yes! Threesome t-" Feste started, then stopped short as our eyes met.

"...Goodfisher! ...This is awkward." Eddy said, coughing into his fist.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING!?"

"Oh, this? Jester's Motley! Also known as my 'sexy clothes'!"

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"

"You said I could invite somebody this time, husband!" Aelinore pouted.

"Yeah, but I already promised Feste-"

"But this is the Arisen! He's bound to much more fun than Feste!"

"But that's impossible! Feste is literally a jester!"

"And I've been looking forward to this all month!" Feste protested.

"Okay, as the leader of this great country, I have devised a solution! FOURSOME TIIIIIIII-"

"I don't want any part of this!" I cried, backing away.

"They all say that at first. Just sit there and watch for now, then just jump in whenever you feel like it!" Eddy said, waving me down. "Okay! This time, we start with the choking!"

"Let me take a breath first this time, husband!"

"Of course. Ahem... LENOOOOOOORRRRREE!!!!"

"OH, GOD, WHAT THE FUCK!!"

"H-harder, Eddy! Harder!"

"LENOOOOOOO- Any time you're ready, Goodfisher- OOOOOORRRREEEE!!"

I could not throw that Ferrystone fast enough.