Luther's Adventure Log

Arm Rests

"I'm so sorry, Barnaby. You know how Arisen are..."

"Impossible to housebreak. Overconfident in their skills. Self-important jackasses who think the Wheel turns around them. Yes, I know. Tell him what we discussed while he was away. It's a simple task. Even an overgrown ape like him should be able to handle it."

"Monica, your boyfriend is kind of a bitch."

"He wishes he was my boyfriend. Here, Master. Take a seat." She'd lead me down to the basement and directed me to a table with two chairs, one elaborate and clearly the superior chair and the other a plain wooden chair you'd find anywhere.

"I call dibs on the one with arm rests."

"It doesn't matter where you sit."

"Then let me have the one with arm rests."

"Fine. Just sit down."

"Score!" I dove into the awesome arm rest chair, taking note of Monica's eye roll. She did that too much.

"While you were floundering around in the Rift, Barnaby told me about an issue with the Everfall."

"The Everflow? Is that a period joke? Wait, do Pawns even have periods? What would be the point for you guys? Don't you just squeeze your giant squid monster bodies into meat suits that look vaguely humanoid to draw less attention? Can you even have children? Oh my god, it just occurred to me that you guys might not even have privates like a normal person! Monica, do you even have a vagina?"

"Master!" She snapped her fingers in my face, showering sparks in the process. "Focus! Pretend my voice is your voice. You never seem to get enough of the sound of that."

"I'd be offended, but I do have a damn fine voice. Like if the feeling you get while having awesome sex and a fantastic meal after a hard day of work had a sound, that sound would be my voice. Not that you'd know, since you neither have a vagina nor a stomach."

"Don't act like you know what sex is like."

"I totally know what sex is like!"

"Doing it yourself doesn't count."

"What are you implying?"

"I fear I've naught to say, Arisen." She retorted with a snide grin. "Anyway, now that I've got your attention, the Everfall is the area below the Pawn Guild basement. It's been acting strange lately, and Barnaby wants us to investigate."

"...The basement's basement is 'acting strange'. ...Monica, how the fuck does a location 'act strange'?"

"Why don't you ask Barnaby?"

"Pass. We'll need help, though. If it's just you and me, all this unresolved sexual tension could hinder our investigation. Providing you have a vagina. Do you? Have a vagina, I mean. I really want to know now."

"Why? Hoping our periods will synch up?"

"So you do have periods!"

"Let's get to work. We'll need two others."

"Aw, man. I just realized you called me a chick."

"One foot ahead of the other, Master. You'll get there."

"Wait, don't you even want to hear about what happened in the Rift?"

"Not really."

"But I met this super cool Pawn! He was like eight feet tall and he was all dressed in black armor and he was really powerful! He sounded really smart, and he helped me out when I was wigging out, and he talked about kicking all kinds of ass and looked like he could absolutely back it up. Just standing near him, I could feel how powerful he was. He had like this aura of badassitude! I bet he could help us out!"

"If he's really all that powerful, you probably can't summon him. I hate to tell you so bluntly, Master, but you're not very strong yet."

"If you hate it, then why are you smiling?"

"Because you have a crush."

"What? No, I don't. I'm not into guys. Well, not all the time. Not this time!"

"Mine is not to judge, Master."

"I don't have a crush! He just seemed like a cool guy I wouldn't mind hanging out with some time!"

"What's his name?"

"It was Armstr- I mean, I don't know. I mean, he told me and all, but I don't remember it."

"Uh-huh." She gave me an expression of smug disbelief.

"You know what? Screw you! He was more help than you've been this entire time, and I only knew him for like ten minutes!"

"So when is the wedding?"

"Go fondle yourself with your tentacles, Daughter of Cthulu!"

"Can I be your Maid of Honor?"

"I fucking hate you."

"What if I promise to not try to upstage you at your own wedding? It won't be easy, because, well, look at me, but I'll say something nice in my speech!"

"We're not talking about this anymore."