Luther's Adventure Log

A Man Name Max

"Master, why not just report to this Ser Maximilian and see what they want us to do? It's not like we have any better leads as to where the Dragon is."

"Because I just refuse to take orders from a man named 'Max'! So what, I just 'report' to this fuck and say 'Oh, hey, Maxie! How can I serve Duke Twaddlefart and his erectile dysfunction junction brigade today? Rub your back? Do your shopping? Give you a bottle of fresh, clean water? Let you win a foot race? Seriously, Monica, why would I willingly subject myself to that?"

"Honor?"

"I don't have any."

"Reputation?"

"Really, Twintails? You already know I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks of me."

"When all else fails... greed?"

So we went to the Wealthy Fuckhead Quarter of the city to find out what Sir Max wanted to pay me to do. On our way in, we passed by a ton of fat fucks who clearly could afford to hire other people to walk for them, one of which asked me if I wouldn't mind kicking some peasants out of his house.

"Hey, are you Max?"

"I am Ser Maximilian Eizenstern, Knight of the Realm, yes. And who might you be?"

"The answer to all your problems. Name's Luther. Or as I like to call myself, 'The Solution.' The redhead with the huge tits and the bitchy expression is Monica, my Pawn. I'm the Arisen, by the way."

He looked at us, looking significantly unimpressed. "You claim to be the Arisen... but I have no way of telling. I'm not so sure the Arisen would have a common harlot follow him about..."

"Common harlot!?"

"...and I'm quite certain he wouldn't smell quite so strongly of... ugh... fish."

"What can I say, I'm drowning in pussy. That happens when you're the Arisen."

"Yeah, that's why you stink."

"I guess you'd know, common harlot. Anyway, Max. Can I call you Max?"

"No."

"Max, see, I am the Arisen. You see this GIANT FUCKING SCAR on my chest? Yeah, put your hand there. No, don't pull away. Have a feel. Don't be intimidated by my awesome pecs. Feel that? No heartbeat."

"Ser, you are trying my patience! If you insist upon impersonating the noble Arisen, then I shall have you thrown in prison!"

"Master, just show him the Wyrmhunt License."

"What, this old thing?"

Maxie's face grew very pale as I slapped him in the face with my license to kill. "There must be some mistake."

"No mistake, you stuck-up snobby piece of shit." I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled his face in close. "I'm the motherfucking Dragon Slayer. And Duke Floppycock has given me a big fat license to fuck shit up. So show me the clipboard, pumpkin. The Solution is a busy man, and he's not interested in your 'civilization' and all of its 'rules'. I think you and I both know that I'm above that now."

"...Very well. His Grace has prepared a number of tasks for you. Which would you like to--"

"All of them."

"Excuse me?"

"All of them. I'll do them all. Kill an entire nest with one rock."

"Master, maybe we should hear him out first."