Luther's Adventure Log

SNAKES

FUCKING GIANT SNAKES TRIED TO EAT ME!! Okay, okay. To explain. I was in the tent, desperately trying to get some sleep before the sun came up and getting nothing because, you know, three soulless eldritch horrors from beyond the ken of space and time sat there in my tent staring at me without blinking, and then the sun came up. And I was a little bit okay with that, because I wasn't actually going to get any sleep, anyway. Then some guy started screaming, so everybody started screaming, so I got up and looked outside and a giant snake was there.

Sleep deprivation, right? No way was that real. Then it split into like four snakes who were all one snake at the end. Mutant snakes aren't uncommon, okay? I know that. But I also know that they usually don't get this damn big, and they typically only have two heads, and then they die because the two heads kill each other. This four-headed snake was not tiny, and the heads were not trying to kill each other. First, it ate Rook. Like, right off the bat. He only had time to yell "It hates fire!" before it picked him up and swallowed him whole.

When you're sleep-deprived, you don't function like you normally would. So that's why I ran, screaming and flailing my arms, and jumped onto the giant snake. I don't know what good I was doing, whacking away at it with my rusty knives, but eventually Monica set the entire damn thing on fire. I guess she has magical powers like Rook did. He was right, though. It really did hate fire. It hated fire so much, one of its heads exploded off, flew thirty feet into the air, then slammed onto the ground after some serious hang time.

Turning to Monica, I said "It looks like he lost his head! I guess he was a little hot under the collar! Eh? Eh?", making finger guns at her. Her response was the coldest look I have ever seen on a pretty girl's face. And if you knew how many pretty girls have given me cold looks, you would be both impressed and terrified by this, and maybe just a little bit sad.

The panty-waisted 'soldiers' came out from behind the spankable French chick to look at it and take turns going 'Whoa, Luther, he's so cool!' as Frenchie told me that if I gave the Duke some head, he'd like me. But he's going to have to settle for the giant snake trophy, because even if he's pretty enough, I am not the sucker. I am the suck-ee.

Before I head out, though, I figured I'd go tell my Uncle Dad and Spankable Cousin that I'm gonna be gone for a while, but as soon as I went outside, Do-Rag Cousin told me Spankable Cousin was missing, and by some alien logic, thought I, who had been gone for several days now, would know where she was. Apparently, he thought she was with me the whole time. You take a girl to go snake hunting one time, and it sticks with you for the rest of your life, I swear.