Luther's Adventure Log

What's On The Slab

"Hey, Luther, look at this! It looks like some kind of a slab. Looks important."

"It's a fucking rock. What part of that looks important?"

"It's a square rock, though. Somebody had to cut it into this shape."

"Maybe some stonemason with too much time on his hands just leaving square blocks of stone around to confuse people. I don't know. We're in a forest full of stoners, Zee, I wouldn't read too much into any random crap you find lying around."

"Arisen..." I felt somebody tugging at my sleeve. "May I... if it's not too much trouble... may I..."

"Spit it out, kid. I ain't got all day. I have a lot of crap left on my to-do list."

"I..." Selene swallowed hard, mustering up her courage and clenching my sleeve tight.

"What is it, Selene?" Monica asked gently.

"I would be with you!" Selene nearly shouted, closing her eyes tight as she said it.

"Do I look like a pedophile to you?" I asked bluntly. "Sorry, kiddo. You're not my type."

"Master, I don't think she meant it like that."

"You know what? I'm taking this square rock. It's gotta be good for something."

"Zarianna, just leave the damn square rock alone! Look, Selene, you're a real cute kid. If I was a thirteen year old boy, I would totally pull on your hair and otherwise treat you like complete and utter crap, because that's how society says little boys show affection. But I'm twenty-four, pumpkin, and unless puberty hits you hard and fast right now, things just wouldn't work out between us. I like my women to look... well, like Monica, only without the horrible, irredeemable personality."

"Again, Master, I really don't think she meant it that way."

"No, don't cry, sweetie. Look, you can't stay here in this forest, so how about you come live in Cassardis in my house there? I mean, it's nothing special and I'm literally never home, but the villagers are usually too busy humping their cousins to go on witch hunts, and I'm at least seventy percent certain my aunt Iola, who kind of raised me, is actually a witch herself. You'll be safe there. I mean, unless the Dragon comes back and decides to finish the job while I'm away, but since he literally has not been seen at all since the day he ripped out my heart, I think we're good on that front."

"I... I understand, Arisen."

"Oh, come on. Please. Call me-"

"His name is Luther Goodfisher." Monica interjected.

"The Solution."

"Do not call him that." Zarianna said sternly.

"Yeah, please don't encourage him." Monica sighed.

"Luther, then... Luther! I'll grow into a woman whose feelings you can return!"

"What!?" Monica nearly shouted.

"Until then... until then, please, wait for me!" Selene begged, taking my hands.

"Okay, now... No promises, but how about this? Ask me again when you're eighteen and you're at least a C-cup. Then we'll talk."

"Master!"

"I can't help it if my Lutherlicious bod attracts all the honeys!"

"Dude, Luther, she's like thirteen." Zarianna said, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

"Didn't you hear me tell her to ask again when she was eighteen? Come on, people, clean out your ears."