Luther's Adventure Log

Helmet Radio

"The Corridor of Emptiness, huh? Must be because there's nothing here!!"

"Broken Rift Stone." Monica said, going off to throw money at the problem.

"And Barroch is here, too." Herman said, confused. "How does that slippery porn-stached bastard always get places before us?"

"There's a shortcut back to the surface here, Dad." Gillian called from the stairway by the now-repaired Riftstone.

"What? Why couldn't we just get in from there, then?" I said, kicking a stone enscribed with some dead Arisen's whining on it out of the way.

"It's locked from this side." Gillian explained as I moved to join her. "The lever controls the door's locking mechanism."

"I guess they got wise to my secret unlocking strategy and stopped barring the door with a piece of wood." I said, rubbing my chin.

"You mean just putting your hand through the bars and lifting up the piece of wood on the other side?"

"You'd be surprised how many people never think of doing that."

Back up at the surface, Olra told us more of her stupid backstory. Basically, Olra was an Arisen possessed by a Pawn who was also named Olra, who for some reason wanted us to rescue her dead Arisen who was a stupid whiny brat. Olra was apparently totally okay with being possessed by the spirit of an Eldritch What-The-Fuck and had no issues with her mind being ripped to pieces so she couldn't remember anything. We had her purify some more of our cursed junk, and this time we got some pretty nice stuff.

"Come on, Monica!"

"I'm not wearing that."

"Please?"

"Master, I don't care what Herman says, a metal triangle over my crotch and a pair of steel garter belts will not protect me better than a pair of pants."

"But it's the Delta Guard, Monica! Delta Guard! With a cool name like that, it has to be good!"

"I'll handle this, Dad." Gillian said, quietly so only I could hear. "Mom, those pants make your ass look fat." Two minutes later, Monica was wearing the Delta Guard, though she was blushing furiously and trying to cover her legs with her robe. The new robe, of course, wasn't exactly concealing, but she'd agreed to it beforehand because it gave her a more flattering silhouette than her other one.

"You really are my daughter." I said, tears in my eyes.

"We could have just shown her the stats screen." Herman suggested. "Those numbers are all in blue. Herman likes blue numbers. Yes, he does." Herman licked his lips and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Dad, Herman's being weird again!"

"Herman, stop breaking the fourth wall. It gives Gillian the creeps."

"What wall? We are outside, people! There are no walls!"

Geared up in our new equipment, which was extremely sexy, flattering, and very comfortable, we headed back into the dungeon through the side door. From the Corridor of Emptiness, we ended up in some place called 'The Fortress of Remembrance', which until then, I had not been aware was a word.

"My greatest regret is that I will not see my homeland rebuilt." Sobbed a dead loser as we stepped over his whiny corpse. "Forgive me, my brothers... I take our dreams now to my grave."

"Everybody raise your hands if you care. No? Nobody? See, nobody cares, dead guy."

"Master, why can't you just show respect to the dead?"

"If they were anybody worth respecting, they wouldn't be dead in places that it's extremely difficult to die in." We looked over the stone outcropping, seeing nothing but a bunch of corpses lying innocently on the bridge. "See, now, I just don't believe those people are really dead."

"They look pretty dead to me." Herman said, his expression unreadable beneath his stupid-looking helmet.

"Okay, I have to ask. Why?" I said, gesturing to his helmet. "Why are you wearing that stupid thing on your head? You look like a complete jackass. It's a great big grinning demon face on your tiny little body. Why did you put it on?"

"Herman likes the blue numbers." I couldn't see his face, but I knew he was wiggling his eyebrows under that stupid mask.

"Alright, give me that thing. Let me show you how stupid it looks." I yanked the helmet off his head and shoved it down over my own, which hurt a little because it bent my ears down for a second as my head passed through the neckhole. As soon as it settled on my head, I realized there was no way to see out of this stupid helmet. "How the hell do you--"

"Button on the side. No, behind the ear." Herman pulled my head down and pressed something on the side of the helmet. A yellow-tinted rectangle lit up in front of my eyes, much to my shock, which showed me everything in front of me.

"Is it some kind of magic window?" I asked, confused.

"Nah, it's just a heads-up display. Cameras in the eyes transmit the image to the wearer. It's neat, isn't it?"

Before I could reply, loud music with electric guitars echoed inside of my head. I nearly doubled over in pain from the volume. "HEY THERE ALL YOU METAL HEADS!! THAT WAS 'MURDER BONER' BY THE HARD-ROCKING HEAD-BANGING SENSATION, 'STEEL THUNDERCLAP'!! NEXT UP WE HAVE 'RIDE THE WAVE OF DESTRUCTION' BY 'THE NEXT BEST THING'!!! DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL, NOW! YOU'RE LISTENING TO ME, STABBADON THE EAR SLAYER, ON HELMET RADIO!! HELMET RADIO, ALL METAL, ALL THE TIME! BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HELMETS ARE MADE OF!!"

I finally wrenched the screaming helmet off my head and shakily handed it back to Herman. "You can have this back now."

"Still think it's a stupid helmet?" Herman grinned.

"If I hadn't ruptured my eardrums just now, I would have been able to hear whatever smart-ass remark I know you just said, and I would respond appropriately. But because I cannot! Monica, help?"

"How did putting a helmet on rupture your eardrums?" Monica asked, furrowing her brow, but casting the spell nonetheless.

"Ma! Ma! Mmmma! Okay, I can hear again! Thanks, Twintails!" I said, sighing in relief. Herman slipped his helmet back on to hide his smug shit-eating grin. "Okay! Alright! Where were we?"

"The dead people." Gillian reminded me helpfully.

"Right! The zombies playing possum!"

"What? Zombies? Dad, they're just sitting there. They're not--"

I shot each zombie dead-on with an explosive rivet. Each of them stood up, groaning angrily. "Ha! I was right! See? I'm God! I'm never wrong!"

"So you're still on about the God thing..." Monica sighed.

"Bitch at me later. We've got zombies to kill."