Luther's Adventure Log

Burning God Fist

"Damn, that was a lot of women." I said, shaking my head at all the dead bodies.

"You're telling me! I've been in some crazy orgies in my time, but this one could have taken the cake!"

"Herman, the only reason they're all dead right now is because you showed your penis to their leader and told her that if she had sex with you, it would solve all of her problems."

"It might have worked, too! It's not my fault she reacted so badly!"

"Her problem was that she hated men, Herman."

"Well, see, now I know my penis could have solved that problem."

Zarianna and Monica had finished piling up the bodies. They'd forbade Herman and I from touching them, on account of blaming us for the entire slaughter. Herman had run in like an idiot, but Zarianna had nearly managed to calm them down, telling them that he was her son and she wanted to take him to the Greatwall, where she'd heard there was a treatment for his rampant nymphomania. Then one of the women had noticed that I was, in fact, a man, and the melee picked right back up. By the end of the fracas, not one lady bandit remained to bar our passage, and one of the dead bodies had landed on the lever, opening the gate anyhow.

"Are you okay, Zee?" I asked carefully. "I know some of these people were your friends."

"What? No, yeah, I'm alright. You can pick your friends, but you can't choose your family, after all. I can make more friends, but I've only got one son."

"I'm sorry it came to this." I put my hand on her shoulder in what I thought seemed like a comforting gesture. I wasn't great at these things.

"What are you doing? Are you... wait, are you trying to be nice?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm new to this."

"No, don't be sorry! It's a little bit weird, but keep at it!" She punched me in the shoulder with a smile. "Eventually, it might even feel natural!"

"Oh... just... really don't count on that."

"Come on, everybody! From here on, it's a straight walk through monster-infested badlands to the Greatwall!" Zarianna called, cheering up. I wondered if she was faking it. With Zarianna, bat-shit crazy was the norm. And it didn't get much crazier than not being even remotely bothered by your dead friends.

The next three hours were the longest, most horrible hours of my life. The path to the Barta Crags was packed with so many monsters that the term 'fuckload' doesn't quite do it justice. Goblins, Harpies, and Saurians were squeezed into every section like sardines, and then we found an unholy sexual trinity of a lion, goat and a snake, like the one from my drug-induced nightmare. It was a goat fucking a lion with a snake shoved up its ass. Even when we killed the goat, it stayed glued to the lion's back, which naturally made the poor lion freak out because it was technically engaging in necrophilia now.

And if all of that wasn't enough fun, there was this nifty black water that somehow fucking blinded you if you so much as touched it. Yeah, so Herman and I hadn't known that, so when Monica and Zarianna said we should go around, we figured it was because they were just being sissy girls who didn't want to get wet, so we just walked right in. Then we spent the next half-hour blundering around screaming because we couldn't see a damn thing, and we ended up completely destroying a tree in our blind confusion.

The girls didn't even try to help. They just stood back and laughed at us as we flailed around in a panic. At one point, I'm pretty sure Herman and I got into a fistfight, each of us thinking the other was a goblin, but I was too worried that that was the case to ask the girls about it, and Herman was convinced we'd both been super manly and fought off a pack of goblins without the use of our eyes. That sounded a hell of a lot cooler than what I was pretty sure had actually happened. Zarianna and Monica kept looking at each other and laughing and making mocking gestures of two guys flailing around blindly for the rest of the trip. By the time we finally saw the damn Greatwall encampment, I was completely exhausted.