Luther's Adventure Log

My Dad Is A Giant Fire Breathing Death Lizard

Those were Herman's last words. He jumped at Grigori, brandishing his sword with a barbarian yell, and went right into his mouth, where Grigori clapped his jaws shut. Blood sprayed out of his mouth in all directions, and Herman's longsword jammed between two of the flagstones in front of us, tip first.

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Zarianna shrieked, clutching at her face and dropping to her knees.

"Herman!!! No! No, God, no!" I cried, my vision blurring with tears.

"It's almost like Rift Stones don't exist and Herman's not a Pawn or something." Monica said, rolling her eyes. Zarianna and I shared a look of mutual embarrassment and coughed awkwardly. I offered her my hand, and she graciously accepted it and allowed me to help her to her feet.

"Did I just eat something? Oh my gosh, is there something in my teeth? Oh, yuck! Yuck! Oh, no, this is the worst feeling! Oh, no, no, no! Luther! Luther, you gotta help me! Is there anything in my teeth?!" Grigori asked, opening his mouth wide.

"Oh, yuck! Grigori, what the actual fuck, man!? That's Herman! Don't show me what's left of Herman! Holy shit!"

"Herman!? Who's Herman? Is he in my teeth? Get him out!"

"Dude, stop! Stop showing it to me! That was my friend!"

"And my son!" Zarianna snarled, nocking an arrow.

"Oh, gosh, I am so, so, so sorry! Oh, yuck! Ugh, he's disgusting! Oh, damn, I'm gonna barf!" Grigori reared his head back and expelled a huge volume of fire. "Oh, that's better. So much better. No offense, Miss, but your son tasted like crap. Like literal crap. Like somebody took a giant crap in a giant diaper and then threw it into my mouth. So bad. Ugh. Nasty." Zarianna's arrow shattered against Grigori's scales. He didn't seem to notice.

"Great and powerful Grigori! Mighty, merciless, splendorous, boner-inducing Grigori!" The Elysion cackled gleefully, bowing to the Dragon.

"Silence." Grigori growled. "The rantings of an upjumped zealot make for tedious listening. Your ilk serves no role in what is to come." The Elysion shriveled at the Dragon's words, prostrating himself silently.

"Harsh." I commented, rubbing my neck as I looked up to the Dragon's face.

"Only my death will staunch the flood of destruction." Grigori continued, turning to address me.

"What destruction? You've attacked one village, and it's already repaired."

His eyes narrowed in annoyance. "...You done?"

"I mean, you've killed, what, ten villagers?"

"Luther, I swear to the Maker, I will put you over my knee!"

"Shut up, Dragon Dad, you aren't my real dad!"

"That's it! Luther Goodfisher, you're grounded! Go straight to your room without any dinner!"

"I'm going to kill you! I swear to the Maker, Grigori, you're dead!!"

"That is a task still far beyond your means." Grigori said, shaking his head. "If you would face me, seek me out and I shall allow it. But heed your friend Herman's lesson well..."

"Don't have sex with monsters? Yeah, don't worry. I didn't need to be taught that particular lesson."

"Luther..." Grigori sighed.

"The nicest loot is in the last place you look?"

"When the weak court death, they find it."