Luther's Adventure Log

The Dread Black Shark King

"The Tower of Treasons Repaid! Ooh, that sounds like fun!" Zarianna said in an annoyingly upbeat voice. "Doesn't it sound like fun, Luther? The Tower of Treasons Repaid?"

"Shut up."

"But Luther! It's the Tower of Treasons Repaid! It's like going to Dragonland, only with less themed rides and mascot suits and more towers and treason!"

"I'm not taking the bait."

"Zari, just leave him alone. Use the key, Master. We're not going anywhere until that portcullis has moved."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm on it." Shoving the key into the lock, I stood back as it magically lifted the portcullis over the double ox doors. Now, I have no idea how the hell that works, but I'm not a locksmith or an engineer, so I'm sure the concept of turning a key in a lock and then the door lifting up into the ceiling and taking the key with it without even getting stuck is a fairly realistic one that I just don't understand.

Behind those doors was another one of those kinky sex dungeons. Wooden plank bridges that are somehow completely structurally solid despite missing boards and being completely rotten, hanging sex cages, chains everywhere, a spiral walkway that was mostly crumbled away, weird red smoke that looks like how I always figured blood would look if it was a vapor, and of course, it was full of sexual deviants.

The first was a creepy little goblin gimp. My magic arrows didn't seem to have much effect on him, but Gillian caught him in a full nelson while Zarianna stabbed him repeatedly in the stomach, so I wasn't all that worried about it.

"Strain your eyes against the dark. We may not be alone." Monica said, apparently not having seen the violent murder of the goblin gimp. I guess she failed a spot check or something. As we walked farther along the stone walkway, a giant ice spike emerged from the ground right in front of me, piercing absolutely fuck-all.

"You missed." I said helpfully to the second goblin gimp, this one standing in a hanging cage. He was now stomping his foot angrily because he completely whiffed. Like a dumbass, he'd left the door on the cage open, so I took a risk and jumped into it with him. I figured I was agile enough to keep my balance in a swinging cage. At this point, I realized that physics didn't work quite right on Bitterblack Isle, because that cage did not even budge.

It didn't swing an inch. It stayed completely still, like it was wasn't a hanging cage suspended by a single chain. Suddenly the wooden bridges not budging seemed much less strange. The gimp and I stared at each other for a moment in awkward silence. He coughed. I sniffed, then rubbed my nose. He opened his mouth to speak, so I did what I always did to get out of undesirable social situations and stabbed him in the stomach, then jumped out of the cage.

A couple of those things Monica said were Succubi but just looked like Harpies with bat wings flew by, but Zarianna filled them with arrows, impressively fired without even looking. Down at the bottom of the room was a Gorecyclops, probably a gimp-in-training. The cyclops gimp we'd seen in that other sex dungeon had been a good four times bigger than this one, so I guess they hadn't been feeding this one the good stuff yet.

I still didn't see any reason to stand where he could hit me, though, so I stood on the walkway above and well out of his reach and just peppered him with Ninefold Bolts while he flailed around. Zarianna took up a position next to me and matched the rhythm of her arrows to fill the gaps in my own firing pattern, resulting in a constant barrage of arrow fire, both magical and physical. Before long, the gimp-in-training had fallen to the ground, more arrow than flesh, and melted into the floor.

"See how much fun that was? Yay, Tower of Treasons Repaid!" Zarianna said with false enthusiasm.

"Forsaken Cathedral. The names are getting less and less edgy. I think they used all the really edgy names early in development and had to scrape the bottom of the barrel." I said, pushing open the doors to the next room.