Luther's Adventure Log

Hairy Bearded Bastard

"Careful about this next place, Luther. It's a castle full of a band of man-hating bandits. They only let women in." Zarianna said, pointing to the massive portcullis in our way.

"Lesbians?"

"Probably by necessity, but they don't talk about it."

"Only because they haven't met Herman!" The hairy dwarf following us said with a broad grin.

"Herman, do me a favor and don't do anything stupid. Why don't we try to negotiate with them?" Zarianna suggested. "I've chatted with them before. They weren't bad people. A lot of them have just been really wronged by men."

"Ah, but I could change all their minds in a matter of minutes. I know it."

"Herman, no. You wait here with Luther. Monica and I will go negotiate for safe passage. Just so you and Luther can pass through. We don't need to do much else."

"Sounds good to me. Be careful in there." I said, though I was pretty sure the two Eldritch super-beings from outside the ken of mortals could probably handle themselves if a few women dressed in animal hides tried to kill them.

"Zarianna. Good to see you again. Who is your friend?" One of the bandits on the guard post called from above.

"This is Monica! We're here to ask for leniency for a few of our companions!"

"Who's the other girl? The tall, pale one with the black hair?" Monica and Zarianna both choked back their laughter. It took me a few seconds to realize she was talking about me.

"Oh, that's... uh, that's..." Zari couldn't explain and hold her laughter back at the same time.

"Don't be an idiot, Elise. Obviously, she's too shy to talk with us. Look at her! She's gorgeous! Men must harass the poor creature all the time! Her nerves are probably shot." A second lady bandit scolded her friend. Monica was doubled over trying to restrain her laughter. It wasn't working.

"That's one of the things we wanted to talk to you about, actually." Zarianna managed to choke out, her laughter finally under control. "Can we come up?"

"MAN!!! THERE'S A MAN IN HERE!!!" Came a scream from inside the castle. It was at this point that I noticed Herman was missing.

"Oh, no." I said, looking at the spot he'd been last I saw him.

"What!? A man! Catch him and kill him!"

"I'm sorry, Zari, but we can't open the gate with a man on the loose! There he is! Catch the hairy bearded bastard! Don't let him get away!"

"Ladies, ladies! Please! There's enough Herman to go around! Just line up single-file, and I'll see you four at a time!"

Zarianna groaned, collapsing to her knees. "This was a mistake. I knew this was coming, I just didn't think about it. This is all my fault."

"Should we leave him to his fate?" Monica asked, a bit too eagerly.

"No... No, I can't do that. If they'd just kill him and we could bring him back at the next Rift Stone, I'd say sure, it'll build character, but these ladies take their time slowly torturing men before they kill them."

"So, marriage." I said. Monica punched me in the arm. "You can hit me all you want, but it's still the Gransys Dictionary description of marriage."