Luther's Adventure Log

Invited To A Mixer

"Did you hear that Irving was murdered last night?" Asalam muttered.

"Right. Dragged kicking and screaming from his own bed, then executed in the streets like a dog. Who would do such a thing?" Meridith wondered out loud, shuddering.

"Poor Irving. He was a loyal customer. I'll miss his coin." Asalam sighed. "They say it was done with a large sword. That rules out the usual suspect."

"Maybe not. He might have just decided to use a different weapon to throw people off his trail." Meridith whispered, huddling close.

"Hey, Woman's Name! A-Dawg! What we talking about?" I shouted, putting an arm around each of their necks.

"Arisen! When did you get in?" Asalam asked, surprised.

"Last night. Some loser was in my bed. So I had one of my Pawns take him outside and kill him! That's her over there with the ludicrously large sword. She's a total bitch, but she does not value human life, so she'll kill on command without a second thought! Say, you guys wouldn't ever think of renting out my bed to somebody else again, would you?"

Both men had grown very pale and had begun to sweat profusely. Meridith actually wet his pants, evidenced by the growing dark spot at his crotch.

"Because that would be a big no-no, and I'd have to take offense to it. And, well... Arisa, what happens when I take offense?"' For emphasis, Arisa smiled evilly, fingering the massive sword's pommel. "Oh, that's right! People die. Violently."

"A-Arisen..." Woman's Name started, trying not to cry.

"No, hey, relax, guys! We're cool! I know you're just doing your jobs! Just, like, never rent out my bed ever again, or I'll smash this entire fucking building into the ground and destroy your livelihood just out of spite." God, I love being the Arisen!

"Master, that's enough! Stop threatening people!"

"Monica! C'mon! These guys know I'm kidding!" I laughed. Then I leaned in close. "I'm totally not kidding." I whispered gravely. "They know I'd never hurt them!" I said aloud, then leaned back in. "I would. I would hurt you so goddamn much." I turned back to Monica. "These guys are my best friends in the whole town!" I leaned back in again. "That part is actually true. I low-key love you guys like brothers."

"Arisen, shouldn't we be looking for leads on that cult for your checklist?" Arisa suggested, getting bored already.

"Yes! Yes, we probably should!" I leaned back in again. "You guys wouldn't happen to know anything about a cult of necrophiliacs, would you?"

"What? Arisen, why would we-" Asalam began.

"They meet in the Catacombs tonight!" Woman's Name blurted out.

"Meridith, what the fu-"

"Don't judge me, Asalam! I'm lonely! I have needs, too, you know! And they invited me to a mixer tonight!"

"Meridith! What would Mother say?"

"Mom would understand! Mom always understood..."

"Well, that's gross. But because I'm an understanding superior being, I will give you this advice, Woman's Name. Don't go to the Catacombs Mixer tonight. Because I'm going to be in attendance. And it's going to get messy." I stood up and walked away, then decided I'd better clear up any misunderstandings and went back, placing my hands on their shoulders again. "In case I wasn't clear, I'm going to kill all of them. Everybody there. I'm not even going to ask questions. I'm just going to go inside and just open up on everything in there."

"Oh, Maker!" Meridith sobbed.

"Mass devastation. I'm talking total genocide. If one of them is small enough, I might actually use them to beat the others to death. It's going to be a complete bloodbath. I might actually fill up a bath with their blood and splash around in it a little, just for fun."

"Master, don't you think that's enough?" Monica asked, clearly disgusted.

"Yeah, and Monica will get in the tub with me. We're gonna wash each others' backs with their blood. We might use somebody's heart as a sponge. We might pee in the tub. I don't know. Nobody knows. What I do know is that nobody can stop it. Nobody can stop me. And I greatly appreciate all of your support and understanding. I'll see you gentlemen later. Have a great day. Thank you. Hey, for real, though. Don't be at the blender."

"You mean the mixer?"

"I know what I said."

"Master..."

"Yes, Twintails?"

"...I think you spent too much time with Zarianna."