Our Yeah | #WattPride (Completed)

I Envy You

"You know I envy you" Dad spoke, driving now on steep curves, I looked at him, all confused. Why would he envy me?

"Most parents in my place would hope that the whole thing goes away, but there are others who are willing to do worse things to their sons just for them to get assurance that they will get up back on their feet like they once knew." He gave a lengthy sigh as I look down on my untethered shoes. What is he thinking about?

"But I'm not that kind of a parent." I nodded as an answer. That I can comprehend very much. I guess Peter was right, I am very lucky to have my parents.

"We always try to make ourselves feel better by ripping too much of ourselves when we get hurt so as to not feel the pain anymore. But most often than not, we do it so much that we'd feel less of ourselves, we, lose so much that we'd feel less capable, less... complete." I nodded again as an answer. I knew my dad was smart, but I didn't know that he knew a lot about the things that really matter.

"We have less to give, each time we find someone new, because a part of us doesn't want to get hurt again, so we learn to give less than before so as to make the pain hurt less than it did when it happens. But to make yourself feel nothing, is senseless." He swayed his head in disapproval.

I'm learning more and more about myself and about things that really matter in life. I'm glad that I have my dad to teach me these kinds of things.

"Have I made myself clear?" He looked at me and somehow I see pain in his eyes, it looked so evident and so literal that he asked if he made himself clear enough. He did more than that.

I breathed audibly and just nodded in response.

"Good. So I'll say one more thing, to address the elephant in the room... I may have come close to having the love that you two have, but I let it slip out of my hands. She was the one, but I let her get away. There was always something that held me back from getting to where you are now. That's why I envy you." Wait. Hold up.

Is this true? There was someone else other than mom? But they get along so well together.

"Does mom know?" I hesitantly spoke. He gave me silence.

"She does. But it didn't matter, because we had you." I looked at him. I never knew.

Silence once more makes its way in the atmosphere for a few minutes, but was broken again by my dad.

"Whatever choices you make is all on you, just remember that our lives are given to us only once, so make every decision, a decision that you won't regret when you decide to take it, because life is too short wondering the 'what ifs' in our lives." He paused. I'm still trying to absorb the last information he blew at me.

"A lot of people dwell on their own demons and 'what ifs' that they're already missing out on all the other things that are going on in their life. Don't make that same mistake and you're good to go." He gave me a half smile then turned his focus back on the road again.

I was blown away by my dad's openness to this sharing of wisdom event that I get to witness first hand.

It's quite new to me, this side of my dad. But I am glad to have met this other side of him, it makes me feel like I'm actually, normal. That what we had was... Normal.

At least normal to us.

I can't wait for winter, I hope I get to see Peter again, I hope to hear his voice again, I hope to meet his warmth and be guided by his arms, be caressed by the cheek and taste that sweet luscious lips of his once more.

I do hope.

I hope.