Our Yeah | #WattPride (Completed)

Walking

It's odd not being able to see or hear Peter on a whim, I can't just go to his house willy nilly like I used to during summer vacation or what I like to refer to as the golden days. I think the moist in the air is sensing my feelings, it senses my longing for someone and it surrounds my every move like a jacket only to be carelessly waived by my thoughts. I've been wandering outside aimlessly for hours, seeking desperately for attention from someone that is hundreds of miles away and I haven't bothered to even care about feeling anything else other than me missing Peter so much.

It's been months since I last saw him, but it feels as if I haven't seen him in decades. How much long would this wait be before it ends? I hope soon.

Just like he said he would see me... Soon.

When is soon? I hope that's tomorrow.

Cars pass me by, unbeknownst to them the heavy burden I carry with ever step I take from these cracked pavements at our side walk. I see other people mingling, laughing, giggling, talking to someone, while I'm here, alone, no one to talk to. I have to admit, I knew before we said our goodbyes that this part will not be easy, but I also didn't thought that it would be this hard.

Reading has proved to be difficult too, ever since I came back. Still, I've been starting to read again, but slowly. It's as if reading reminds me of the time when I read Peter that book when we were at my most favorite place in Trevallaño. It's where our first kiss was born and where everything began – officially.

But now, I can read finally again without breaking down and crying, but very little so. Every word used to feel like his touch, lingering on my skin, begging me to touch him, teasing me, taunting me but I couldn't do anything about it, now it feels different, I still miss him, but it's tolerable now. Perhaps I adapted to the feeling so much that it's now a regular thing.

I still think about him a lot, I don't know how much I can stress that I miss him. The waiting is hard, but the hope that I'd be seeing Peter soon still lives, I know it's not much to hold onto for some people, but it's all I have and I don't want to let go of it.

I don't even know, much less remember, how I've lasted this long, how I've coped with my situation for days, weeks, months without Peter, but I do know that I feel sadness. But every time I'm with my friends having fun, I smile. For everything we did, for every birthday we enjoyed, for when we celebrated Halloween, for every party that we went to, I smiled.

I did.

But the smile didn't last long, nor did the happiness, I wanted it to last, believe me. But it was not the kind of happiness that I yearned for. I go home most days feeling empty and sometimes full of joy when the mail comes, but I haven't talked to him in a while, we both got busy. We got busy at life most likely.

It's almost winter break, the nights are getting colder, the days are getting shorter, and I feel like snow would fall down any time soon. The leaves are spread across the streets like pencil shavings, it reminds me of that old tree back at Trevallaño, except the trees here only do that during fall.

Everyday I'd rake leaves from our front yard to one area and I look at them, all piled up like people gathering for the president's speech. I'd collect them for days until they'd look like a small hill, my parents don't seem to mind them as long as I'd take care of it when I'm done. After I've gathered enough leaves I'd throw myself into it and just not care about the world, even for a moment and just stare at the sky.

I've done it three times by now, ever since fall started and every time I do it, I imagine Peter was with me, jumping beside me to the mountain of leaves fallen under the mercy of Mother Nature. I'd lay there for a while and just stare at the sky as it gets dark, then wait for my heart to ache when I realize the cold hard truth that Peter isn't by my side at all.

Then cry a little bit.

I miss him so much.