Cruel Intentions

Chapter 43: Flashed before me

Becca POV

Am I wrong for not wanting to talk to anyone? I don't know, you tell me. Sometimes I just feel like running away from here. I haven't been going to my classes for two days now and Sasha has been making excuses for me. I feel so lifeless that I don't want to do anything. I just want to bury my face in my pillow and just stay depressed as I close the world out. For the past few days, I couldn't sleep. I've been tossing and turning in bed to the point where I just don't sleep at all. I also can't eat. I have this urge to just starve myself all day. I haven't had a single bite of food, Sasha has been trying to feed me but I refuse.

I also can't speak. My brain is dead and no words come out. I just always have a blank expression on my face. Let's just say, my life is dead. It doesn't have anymore excitement, just nothing. Everything seems to be fading away. I can't even function ever since the break up and me attacking Gabriella. Most people would have said I had the best relationshp or that Gabriella deserved the beating. But maybe, this so called ''revenge'' isn't me. It probably is, I feel like I've lost the real me. Violence was never the answer for my problems.

For all I know, if I continued giving her pain, I could have killed her. Is it wrong that I regret doing what I did to her? I do..I regret alot of things I do. Maybe I'm just too soft hearted. I take a deep breath and stare at the ceiling. I stare at the door when I hear it swing open, which Sasha holding food. I lay my head back down on the pillow and turn my back to her.

She walked to my bedside until we're face to face. I can see the worry in her face. She moves strands of my hair from my face and holds a smoothie in front of me. 

''I know you won't drink it but you need something in your sysytem Becca. You lost 5 pounds already, you look really skinny.'' She said as a smirk forms on the side of her mouth. She smiles and placed the smoothie on my bedside table. 

I manged to sit up on my bed and hold the smoothie at my fingertips. I bring the straw to my lips and begin drinking it. I haven't eaten in so long and I couldn't stop myself from drinking it. I've been gloomy and I think it's time for me to retire from it.

''I seen Matthew today.'' She said looking at me. I stopped drinking my smoothie and maintained eye contact with her. I haven't heard that name in so long, it sounds different.

''Oh.'' That was the only thing I could have said. I didn't have much to say about it. 

''He wanted me to give you this.'' She said holding an envelope in front of me. I reached for the envelope and held it in my hands. It smelled like his cologne. I placed it on my bedside and laid back down. Sasha just looked at me and sighed. 

I didn't want to open it. I already knew what it might say. With his apologies and mistakes in pure sense. I may have missed him but it still doesn't change the fact that he broke my heart. Its hard for me to try to pick up the pieces but its complicated. I pick up the envelope and walk towards the bathroom.

Sasha watches me until I close the door behind me and lock it. I pull back the shower curtain and sit in the tub. I bring my knees towards my body. I begin the open the envelope and pull two sheets of paper. I begin to read this letter every word echoing with his voice. Before I know it, my eyes began to tear up. Every word I read, the more I cried.

I don't even know why I'm crying at this moment. His words hit my heart..the words weren't disturbing or saddening. They were just plain honest and heartfelt. He wants to get out of my life..because it will better for me and him. I didn't know he cared so much or even loved that much. But he was right...things would be better if he left.

He's leaving for California in two days to fulfill his father's business. I knew desperately I would miss every memory of him to the point where everything will shadow behind me. I needed to see him, I needed him with me physically. I needed to tell him how I felt about his letter. This was my only chance for me to fix things between us and probably feel happy again.