Letters for Rose {to be continued}

Dear Rose, (23)

I think my problem is that I don't understand and what I don't understand I can't take. So why did you leave after all? Was it my fault? Just tell me what I did. What have I done to myself? Oh gosh, I'm a stupid school girl. This is sad but kind of crazy. One day I feel positive and I feel like I can actually get better but then other days I question everything and everyone again. I guess I'll never learn. But is it my fault? Cause if it is I take it back. I'm sorry. If it's not, I'm sorry as well. I didn't want any of this to happen. But no one really cares about what I want right? I was thinking and I realized something today. I don't eat strawberries in like 5 years and it doesn't really makes a difference, meaning, I don't miss eating strawberries and I can simply ignore the fact that they exist so I just don't eat them. It made me think that we don't miss what we don't have. Or we shouldn't miss what we don't have cause if we needed, then we would have it. So, i shouldn't miss you cause if I don't have you is because I don't need you. But I feel like I do. Why is that? What have you done to me that makes me think I need you when, in theory, I don't? What is that? Just tell me. I want to learn how to do it so I'll make sure I never do that to someone else. Cause that's mean. How can you take control over somebody's life like that? And how do you live with that control? With knowing that you have that person on your hands and you can break or hurt that person. You can actually destroy a person just by doing something to her without her even realizing. And sometimes I feel scared about what I realize. What if I was wrong and you were a bad person? After all I do not know what to think about you. I want to believe that you were a very good person, a good influence, and things just didn't work out but then I think about things you did or you didn't do and I feel like you're a terrible person. And there comes the questions again. Perhaps, that's why I cannot leave this awful circle. Cause I don't have the answers I need. I always come back again and I never leave. Let me be clear about this circle. First moment, I'm in pain cause I miss you. Second moment, I feel positive and I think about things I can do to leave this bad aura. Third moment, I start thinking about things I don't know and all the questions appear again. Last moment, I feel bad and I come to the first moment all over again. And this repeats many times without an ending. And here I am, on the third stage of this cycle. And now I know that forth stage brings pain so I'm getting ready for that. Forth moment? I'm ready, but be quick, please. Pain is yet to come.

Cathy