Letters for Rose {to be continued}

Dear Rose, (27)

Phylosofers say that constantly thinking, asking and wondering about everything is a very good thing to do but thinking about you is slowly killing my soul, a bit every second. I can't bare the guilt I feel about what I did to us, I also cannot bare the pain I feel because of your absence, nor the shame I feel because of what I made you do. I'm disgusted with my situation right now, it's just too much for a single small tinny little human being like me. Christ didn't die in the Cross for us to be crying all day and all night. He certently didn't die for me to feel this empty. So, from now on, i'll pray for him and to him cause even though I'm hurting, I appretiate His sacrifice so I can be here now. He died for me to be born, for me to meet you, for me to be happy although I threw that away. I'm grateful for Him and I am grateful for you too. You taugh me a lot and you still do. You taugh me things I didn't wanted to be taugh, you taugh me the greatness of love and friendship and goodbyes. You taugh me all, and all at once. And despite the hurting, I am thankful for that too. I'll try my best not to make the same mistakes again and I probably won't, but I'll find new ones to make a mess with. I presume that I'll never learn but who knows what age and oldness will bring. I hope good things! I need something positive. In the meanwhile here I am and I won't say that I'm sorry but that I won't stop writing this letters because they're helping me heal. I am indeed in the middle of a process here. A process that I need to go through alone although I would love you to be here but sadly you are the reason why I am going through this. You are the reason why.

Cathy