Letters for Rose {to be continued}

Dear Rose, (25)

People can be hard to love sometimes. I find it really hard to love you at this point. I don't know if you love me after all, how could you? Why should you love me? What if I stop loving you? Can this pain simply go away if I stop loving you? I presume it would, right? But then I think about it this way: if I stop loving my boyfriend, we break up but we can still be friends and like each other, so maybe, stop loving you will not make me hate you or stop this excruciating pain. I guess I'll never stop loving you and even if I do I'll always suffer because of this until my mind finally forgets about you. Then again I guess it'll never happen. There were too many years depending on you, loving you, right there by your side. Can I forget your birthday, your name, your address, your pets' names, your childhood dream...? Cause I don't think I want to. That's right, I'm suffering because of how many things I remember but it still reminds me that we were happy, we were such good friends and had such a strong connection that I don't think I would like to obliviate. I'll never know if you think about it the way I do but I hope you do. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out a way to end this pain or at least to avoid it. Cause being hurt tires me out, I'm completely exhausted and there's no medication for this. I'll take some sleep pills and headache drugs but honestly sooner or later I wake up and I feel awful again. It helps for a few minutes, maybe hours during the night, but it always comes back to me.

Cathy