Letters for Rose {to be continued}

Dear Rose, (24)

I cannot believe it's been two days and I haven't written to you. My third stage kept up a little bit longer and I wasn't expecting that. I'm in forth stage right now, in case you were wondering. I can sleep a lot better at the moment cause my metabolism just shuts down. This has been too hard on me. Anyone can clearly see that I'm tired, I'm a mess, I'm constantly and inevitably exhausted all the time. I know that you're probably thinking that having any sleep right now is a good thing but I don't believe that my system shutting down is a very good sign. It just tells me how far this has come, how far I tolerated this situation, how far my body fought back. That's right, I'm in a constant fight with myself. My thoughts and feelings are killing each other inside my head and I feel like I have an internal bleeding. I can't think, I can't talk, I can't do anything except breath and experience pain. I'm sorry for everyone who had an internal bleeding or everyone who didn't have one but felt the same as I feel right now. I would like to ask them if it was their fault. Cause I'm focus on getting to know if it was my fault or not. I need to know so I can finally move on or figure out what to do from here. I would ask them if it ever ends and if I'll ever be able to forget about it as well. I hope they have the right answer to give me cause at this point I make so many movies in my head that I can misinterpret something they'll say. I'm constantly overthink and it's all I have left: my head and loud thoughts.

Cathy