Letters for Rose {to be continued}

Dear Rose, (34)

Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it should hurt but I don't care anymore. After that it hurts still. But, what matters is that, when I don't care, I can actually shut off the pain which is a big and marvelous step for me to take. It's been months since I've felt that I can actually control anything that's happening in my body, in my life or in this massive world at all. I should focus on that. I should try to have the power to control my life all over again. Cause I can't accept this much longer. Try to imagine what is like to feel pain, the day after you feel empty and you don't care about anything and the day after that day, you feel all that pain again. It's crazy, and painful. It makes me dizzy, confused, and allows me to have hope which is more sorrowful when you realize that tiny hope is now dead. You know me. At least, you did. And you knew how I was an Earth to Earth person. You knew I prefer the truth even if it brings me more pain and sore. That pain, that hope, that dizziness is destroying me inside out. I've lost 3 kilos in only 2 weeks. Is that normal? I don't think so. I can pass a day without eating. I can pass a day without sleeping. Only to realize the pain is coming back the day after. I'm tired of this and I'm tired of that word. I've said the word "pain" like a thousand times. I don't like it. Not a least bit.

Cathy