Buses & Bunk Beds (Zarry)

Chapter 37

HARRY: I'm sorry Zayn, but this is how it has to be for now. As soon as the tour is over we can put all this behind us and everything can go back to the way it was. I love you

That was it. No drunken phone calls begging my forgiveness. No one crawling into my bunk in the middle of the night to tell me how wrong they'd been. Just that one text. That was all I got from Harry over the next few weeks, which were some of the worst of my life.

I didn't even know how he could expect me to go back to the way things were before. How could I, now that I knew that he didn't love me enough to tell anyone? I'd never been more confused, and the one person that I wanted to talk to wasn't around.

Harry must have hated the sight of me, because he had done everything he could to erase me from his life. He started riding on the crew's bus, and stopped coming to group meals. He left rehearsals as soon as they were over and exited rooms the minute I entered. The only time he was ever around me was when he had no choice, like during concerts and interviews.

I didn't understand how he could be moving on so fast when I was still living in the past, remembering every kiss we'd shared and all of the plans that we'd made. I could barely summon the energy to get out of bed, but Harry was always out partying, the tabloids documenting his every move. I read the gossip online every morning, torturing myself with thoughts of who he had been with and what they had done. Of whether he was having more fun with them than he used to have with me. Of whether he was thinking of me or missing me at all.

Concerts, which had been my favorite part of the job, were now torture. I started getting high before every show, unable to face Harry without some sort of shield. Not that it stopped the hurt that flooded through me every time I was near him. I could barely stand to look at him, and seeing that he was just as happy and vibrant as he always had been felt like a slap in the face. I wanted what we had been through to show on him like a bruise or a scar, but it didn't. He should have looked tired or sad or broken, just like I did. But he looked beautiful, which only made me feel more tired and sad and broken in comparison.

I walked through the shows like a zombie. I made sure that I sang all my parts and hit all my high notes and walked where the choreographer wanted me, but that was the extent of my effort. There was no way that I could joke or play around with the boys like I used to. I knew that if I let even one emotion out then they would all come pouring out of me. Better to keep everything locked inside.

The worst moments were when he would look over at me, cheeks indented by dimples and eyes shining, the same look he'd given me so many times before. A look that told me that he loved me. He'd look at me like that and for one glorious minute I'd forget all that had happened and smile back at him. Then reality would hit me and I'd be left reeling once again, pain creeping in past my armor.

Interviews were even worse. Flirt had always been Harry's default setting, and even though I told myself that he didn't mean anything by it, that it was just the way he was, it still hurt to see him smiling at each of the generically pretty hosts as if their face was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He gazed at them like he'd be able to figure out the meaning of life if he just made sure that they each fell in love with him by the time the interview was over. And they all did, one by one, giggling at his jokes and tossing their hair over their shoulders and sitting way too fucking close and focusing all of their questions on Harry as if the rest of us weren't even there. Harry lapped up the attention, he always had, only now he wasn't shooting me sweet glances or sending me funny texts to prove that while he may have them eating out of his hand, I was the only one who actually mattered to him.

Fortunately the other boys had all been great. No one mentioned Harry's absence on the bus, and they went out of their way to avoid the subject of him in general. I knew that they would've been there for me if I wanted to talk about everything, but the truth was that I didn't want to burden them or put them in the middle. This was exactly what Liam had been worried about, so I did my best to put on a brave face around them.