Don't You? (Drarry)

Chapter 40

Draco,
If you're reading this I'm dead. I never thought I'd start a letter that way, yet here we are. I guess I should be honest and tell you I was started writing this months ago, how many? Who knows. I love you, we haven't said that yet and if we haven't you should know. I've never loved someone the way I helplessly and selfishly love you. I'm sorry you fell in love with a dying man. I'm even more sorry that I didn't have the courage to tell you. Maybe we would have been the same, but maybe you wouldn't have gotten so close. I don't know where I'll go, but I know that I'll miss you. Even the stupid arguments, then again maybe that's because they lead to great makeup sex. I hope that you know this wasn't your fault because you didn't save me. It wasn't your job to. I like to believe you'll be happy again, eventually at least. I like to believe you'll move on and find love again as well. I hope you let them in the way you have with me. I hope that they treat you the way I wish you would treat yourself. I see the way you still look at the mark. I know how you still get a guilty look when you're around Hermione. You can't stand your past, and I wish you could understand that it doesn't make you a bad person now. I know about the nightmares you get too, but you never wake up from them. You just sleep through them and hold me tighter. I don't have the heart to wake you up, I'm not sure that I ever will. It's not like you don't talk to me about everything you went through. I don't know maybe I'm a horrible boyfriend. I just wish you knew that you aren't your mistakes, you're not that mark, and your past isn't something to be ashamed of. Hermione forgave you a long time ago, I don't know if she's told you that. I figured I would just in case. Nobody that matters blames you for what choices you made during the war. You're a good person. I don't tell you that enough, but you really are. You would do anything for someone you care about. The way you described Slytherin's colors on our first date. You said something similar to that. I want you to know that there's still good in the world. You'll find it again soon enough. Maybe something small like your mother gardening again, seeing a kid excited about a broom, or maybe realizing now that you have more family than you'll know what to do with. Maybe it will be take something big, like seeing Snape laugh, or watching one of your best friend's fall in love. I know part of you will be angry if the it's the second one, but mostly you'll be happy that in such a messed up world happiness is possible. Maybe it'll get you to hope for happy days again. Merlin this sounds bloody cheesy doesn't it? I sound like a complete Hufflepuff. You're probably rolling your eyes with a small smile, because even if you're hurting like hell you could never picture me in Hufflepuff. Is it sad to miss you already? You're just in the other room, but writing this I just I think maybe it makes the fact that I won't get to be there so much more real. You're looking so hard for a cure, and I can't tell you how hopeless I think it is. I see the way you glance at me, as if I'm going to just disappear. I know your nightmares are changing and it's worse. Now when you wake up it's not just a nightmare, it's your reality too. I'm so sorry that I let myself put you through this. The guilt is eating at me, and I know I deserve it. None of what I did was fair to you. You should have had the chance to walk away. Instead I kept it from you, and let you believe everything was fine. If I had told you from the start would you have stayed? Would you have willingly let yourself fall in love with someone you knew was dying with absolutely no certain way to fix it? I almost find it ironic. My parents died younger than I will, and they did it to protect me. They hoped I would live a long full life, do you think what I've done counts for that? Sometimes I think maybe part of them will regret it when they realize I was marked for death since the start. I hope you don't regret falling in love with me in your later years. It's contradicting isn't it? I don't want you to regret us, but part of me hopes you hate me enough to move on. You think you can manage both?