Lyrical Souls [h.s]

4.2 - Uphill - Picnic

It was a random Saturday in September, one with a beautiful weather, not too hot, not too cold, the sun shining, and Alex decided to take me out for a surprise. We drove for a while.

'Where are we going?' I asked curiously.

'Well we've been together for a month and I just wanted to make it special! Like a 1-month anniversary type thing.' He explained excitedly.

'That's so sweet! But you know, "anniversary" is from the Latin "anniversarius" which means returning yearly. Which means that an anniversary is a yearly celebration not monthly, not trimestrial, not semestrial.'

He laughed and protested 'Wasn't it you who said we need any excuse to celebrate because life tends to keep us down and we need to find happiness in the little things?'

'Hey, don't get me wrong! I'm not complaining! This is lovely! I'm just correcting the misuse of the terminology...' I comforted him.

Reading the sign on the side of the road, I noticed 'Hey we're not even in London anymore! Where are you taking me, Williams?' I question hostilely.

'I'm taking you on a little picnic outside of the city. You've been very tense lately... I just thought getting out of the city for a while would help. It's just a two-hour drive and we're almost there.'

'Aww!! That's a great idea! Thanks, hun!' I said excitedly, carefully kissing his cheek while he continued driving with a smile on his face.

We got takeaways and drove to a fairly secluded place in a beautiful park. We laid a sheet on the grass and sat down, eating and drinking the wine he brought with him.

'So Alex, tell me something I don't know about you.'

He looked at me pensively and then said, 'Two years ago, I proposed to my 4 years girlfriend then, and she said no and we broke up.'

'Why did she say no? I mean you were together for 4 years, so you must have loved each other. And, well we've only been together for a month, but from what I know, you're totally husband material.'

'Well, she said that she wasn't ready for such a commitment and that there was a lot she still wanted to do and she doesn't see how she could achieve all her dreams if she's tied down, married to a guy.'

'Wow, that must've been tough!'

'Yeah. Definitely, the most difficult thing I had to go through in my entire life. But I'm fine now! And besides, I got you now.

'Exactly, it's totally her loss!'

'Your turn. Tell me something about you that I don't know.'

I thought for a while, there was a lot that he knew, we see each other daily and when chat over the phone when we're not around. But there was also a lot he didn't know. He didn't know about my family, about the depressions, the cuts, the eating disorder. With Harry, it was easier to talk about all those negative things. He understands how bad it could get, and he's really good at reading my mind and making me feel safe. I'm not saying that I don't feel safe around Alex, there's no way he's capable of hurting anyone. I just didn't know at the time how understanding he can be.

'I stopped sleeping with the lights on at the age of 18.'

'Well, it's understandable. A lot of people are afraid of the dark even in their 20s and 30s. What happened though? What changed your mind, I mean?'

'I was upset over a breakup and I was crying so hard I got a really bad migraine and the light was bothering me. So for the first time ever, I had to sleep with the lights off. After that incident, I tried sleeping with the lights on like I usually do, but I figured that shadows are creepier than the dark, especially when everything is blurry. So that's how I started sleeping in the dark!'

'Wait why would everything be blurry?' He asked confused.

'Oh, right! I'm nearsighted... I'm currently wearing contact lenses. I can't see anything without them or glasses.'

'How don't I know that!' He whined.

'I guess it never came up...' I mumbled.

'What else as trivial as this did I miss?' He complained. 'Is there anything you're allergic to?'

'Not that I know of, although mushrooms make me nauseous, can't swallow them. I don't know if it counts.'

'Alright... What else?'

'Hmm, I don't know, I kinda can sing well? Not professionally but a lot of people who heard me sing told me I have a beautiful voice. I'm fluent in 2 languages other than English and know a little bit of Italian. I once kissed a girl on a dare, didn't like it though. And that's all I can think of right now.'

'Thank you for sharing this with me!'

'Can I ask you something?' He asked hesitantly after a moment of silence.

'Yes of course!'

'I tried to ignore the fact that you didn't say it back. I thought maybe you're just not ready to say it. But it's been days now and I feel like we need to talk about that.'

'We can talk about that I guess...'

'Well? What happened? Don't you love me?'

'I do! I really do! It's just that in the past I just said it so many times, and to the wrong guys and it always ended badly. My first boyfriend broke up with me because I was being too clingy and was saying it too much. I mean sure I was 16 and an idiot! Later on, thinking back, I actually didn't mean it, I just said it because that's what people in relationships do. But it still hurt being called out like that. As I grew up, I got used to not saying it to anyone. It's just difficult to let myself be vulnerable to guys because I've been hurt too many times in the past. It might be a bit much. But it works.'

'But if you keep pushing people away like that, you might miss your chance at being happy.'

'The way I see it when I meet someone worth the risk of getting hurt, I'll know it, and I'll let my guard down.'

'So you don't think I'm worth the risk?' he argued.

'Honestly? I'm not sure yet. It's too soon to know.'

'It's not too soon, you either know it or you don't!' He said firmly with a harsh tone before he continued.

'Is Harry worth it? You let your guard down with him! Look where that got you!'

'What? Why are you bringing that up now? You said you were fine with everything that happened! I'm the one who left him remember? If I thought he's worth it I would've fought for him and I would've at least try to handle the burdens of being around him. But I didn't! I left him! He is nothing to me! There's only you! When are you going to get that! It's not because I don't say those stupid little words, which are said so much that they lost their meaning, that means that I don't actually love you!' I snapped at him while he just looked at me wide-eyes before grabbing my face and kiss me.

He pulled away and apologised, 'I'm really sorry, Cassie! I shouldn't have pushed you like that. I just got insecure and worried that you might still have feelings for him and the second he tries to win you back you'll just go running back to him. I was just afraid of losing you. You're one of the best things in my life right now and I wouldn't wanna change that.'

'You won't! Stop worrying!' I reassured him.