Finding Me (URBAN)

Healing

Indigo's POV

Today's the day I'll finally face my worst nightmare.

My father.

My past.

The reason for my issues.

I'm nervous as fuck. I know he can't hurt me anymore but you don't know what it's like facing the person that is the root of all your pain unless you've walked a thousand miles in my shoes. This is the same man who beat me senseless and raped me all within the same day. This is the man who destroyed my mother. This is the same man who hurt my baby brother over and over. This man ripped my family apart with no remorse. 

I looked over at Nyla who was snuggled up under Messiah. 

This is my daughter's grandfather and father all in one.

He raped me and beat me. Tied me up and starved me. Then turned around and made me go to school with evidence covering every inch of me and my brother's skin. 

Living in the hood, no one gave a fuck if me and my brother had bruises everywhere. No one stood up for us. So when I popped up pregnant with more bruises then ever, no one said a damn thing.

I don't hate these people though. 

People seem to think if it's not about them, then it's none of their business and although it's true somtimes, I would of killed for someone..anyone to stand up and get us out that situation.

I looked at my daughter's in bed with Messiah and I and I thanked God for them. 

My mother was weak, no doubt about that. I love my mother to pieces though, don't get it wrong, but she was weak. She couldn't stand up for herself let alone 2 kids. 

I looked at Messiah

That's why I'm not 100% on board with putting all this effort into fixing our relationship right now.

I sighed and gently moved Kam's head off of my chest and got up.

I walked towards the door and shut it quietly.

I walked downstairs.

I looked at the clock and it read 5:16 am. I walked past it and towards the pool in the backyard.

When I reached the pool I sat down on the edge and looked up and took a deep breathe.

I have to set an example for my girls. I get that Messiah was going through shit, but so was I. On top of that I found out I was pregnant. He had no excuse for fucking with that girl. Then he thought shit was sweet and I'll admit, I have a soft spot for that dude, but I can't.

All my life I've been hurt. All my life I've fought to not become a product of my enviroment. I gave birth to my daughter at the age of 12. I fought my way through school and worked hard to get to and through college. If I can't say shit about myself, I know I'm not a victim. I couldn't be, shit. Raising a child while being a child, I had no room for feeling sorry for my situation. I had to keep it pushing.

To this day I haven't grieved over the death of my mother nor cried about what my father put us through. I guess that shit isn't healthy because I still have panic attacks, major ass trust issues, nightmares..

All that bullshit.

I wrapped my arms around myself and looked up to the sky

"Mom..if you can hear me, know I'm sorry. I should of done something.."

The tears slid down my cheeks and I didn't even bother wiping them.

No point.

I'm tired of having to put on this fake ass smile everyday. Being strong day in and day out is exhausting as hell.