Ring of Fire (Completed) Book 1 Vanelzing Series

Alexis Journal Entry 10

My disgust in myself grew more and more. When I got home, I would go to my room and close my door. I would stay in my room all day. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't even want to come out to eat supper.

People didn't realize tough I was. I kept everything inside and smiled to the outside world. i never showed my weak side to anyone. I kept my emotions and thoughts to myself until it became too much. When I couldn't take it anymore, I would cry in my pillow. The door would be shut and I would try to be as quiet as possible.

No matter what I did, I would never be enough for her. I could have been crowned the queen of England and she would have found something to pick at.

Shawn tried to convince me that I was pretty, but his sinceree comments and words fell upon deaf ears. I had been brainwashed into thinking I was anything but.

Shawn was persistent though he wasn't about to let me think I was a bottle of nothing not while he had anything to say about it. Ever day when he saw me, he called me gorgeous or beautiful. He would comment on how lovely he thought my eyes were or how he loved the way I had done my hair that day.

Shawn's words hit me hard one night. We were sitting on the porch of a vacant house. Shawn was sipping on the whiskey bottle that he had taken from his parents fridge. One leg on the railing of the porch the other swinging over the side. I was sitting in the corner next to him.

"Didcha eat anythin' today?" he asked looking down at me.

I didn't answer him. Shawn already knew the answer but he wanted to ask anyway. He thought that maybe if he asked I might give a different answer.

I pulled my knees closer to and wrapped my arms around them.

" Ya need to eat somethin'."

Shawn swing his leg over the side of the railing and hopped down to the ground next to me. He couldn't see my face. I had buried it in my knees. The urge to cry began to build up inside inside until I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I cried like a child. All the hurtful words and the hatred that I carried inside finally coming out on the surface. All the pain that the family member had cause with me words flowed out of me with ever tear I cried.

Alexander took me by the hand and led me off the porch. He pointed to the stars above us.

"You see them stars?" he asked. I nodded.

"You put em' all to shame," he said wiping my tears away and pulling me into his arms.

"You have to forgive her," he whispered to me.

Alexander held me until I had cried everything out and even then he continued to hold me close. He knew that I was hurting deep inside and it made him angry. Shawn was the only person that had ever seen me cry. I was hesitant to cry in front of him. I didn't want him to worry about me

I redid my make-up on the porch so no one would know that I had been crying. I didn't want my family to worry about me. Shawn took me to his house once I was ready to leave the vacant house. At the Watts house, Shawn looked in all the cabinets and the fridge until he found something to cook.

He cooked him and me full meal. He tried to make it look like one of those fancy meals you see on a cooking show, but he wasn't successful. It looked like a hot mess, but it was delicious.

When Shawn set the plate in front of me. I tried to hold my laughter in. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I knew how hard Shawn worked on those meals. I had watched him cook it. Finally I couldn't hold it in anymore and I busted out laughing.

That night is forever engraved in my mind. It is nice to remember the nice things that happen. The sad thing is I have as many bad memories as I do good. Sometimes I feel the bad outweigh the good.