Ring of Fire (Completed) Book 1 Vanelzing Series

Alexis Journal Entry 79

School seemed pointless, so I stopped trying. My grades plummeted. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. I surely didn't are. That much was obvious. Why was I even going anymore? The teachers would look at me and shake their heads or they would sigh when they handed me back my paper. 

I always hated school but now it seemed there was no point in anything anymore. I didn't want to go to school, the Vanelzing's, or home. I didn't really want to do anything. I felt empty. Like someone reached inside me and pulled out something that made me well me. 

I started hanging out with Rayne, Fang and Kyle. We would met at the park and stay out all hours of the night. Rayne would bring alcohol and Kyle would bring drugs. I don't know what kind they were. 

I never touched the white stuff he brought. I knew better than that. I knew it was addictive. Erik used it when he was with us. I could see what it was doing to him. I didn't want that to happen to me.

Hanging out with them and just sitting there made me feel numb. Being numb is better than the pain. Soon things began to spiral out of control or better yet I did.

I would go off on anyone for stupid shit. My clothes became darker. I hated other people. I didn't want to be around anyone besides Kyle, Rayne, and Fang. They even gave me a nickname, Wrath. A well deserved nickname. I was cruel. 

My parents were worried about me. They should be. I wasn't me anymore. Angry and mean all the time, but it was just a shield. If you keep people away they can't hurt you. I couldn't have anyone hurt me anymore. 

Eating was something that didn't cross my mind. My body disgusted me. So much so that I couldn't even look myself in the mirror. I covered them all up and locked them upstairs far away from me. 

I started shutting everyone out. Diving into my art and further into my own mind. Except Shawn wasn't there to stop me from over doing it or pushing myself over the edge. 

My art reflected what I couldn't put into words. I felt broken, hurt, and empty inside. Nothing mattered anymore. I didn't feel like me anymore. 

Music helped. It helped me drown out the thoughts and noise inside my head. The shouting thoughts. My friends from my new school recommended songs, bands, etc. I liked what they recommended. The music helped keep it out. The thoughts telling me that there is nothing left for me here. No matter what I did though, they always came back.