Ring of Fire (Completed) Book 1 Vanelzing Series

Alexis Journal Entry 88

Don't speak his name. Don't say it out loud. If you do, his spirit will never find rest. These were the words Emily told me as I held the key to his room in my fingers. I had found it in the drawer while looking for his pocket knife. I had forgotten about his key until moments ago.

I didn't move. I just stood there holding his key in my hands. The only thing left of Shawn. Time, I think it's time. 

A few moments later I calm myself on the outside and go upstairs to his room. The stairs seeming to go on and on. The climb taking longer than I remember, but I manage to reach his door. It seems different. Cold. Empty. 

when I open the door, the dust and cold air hit me. Dust covered everything. The air was stale. Everything was exactly how he let it. Even his dirty clothes were still on the floor.

I kept thinking that he was going to pop out of the closet and yells Psych! but I knew that wasn't going to happen. He was gone and I had to accept that. He wouldn't want me being this way, but as I looked around the room everything came rushing over me. I just stood there taking it all in.

Cal came upstairs and into the room. He patted me on the shoulder then sat down in Shawn's computer chair. He started flipping through his binders and notebooks. Papers and assignments that he never turned in. Writings and notes he had written me. The chain I had given him on the desk next to his watch and change. 

Me and him goofing off as the screensaver on his computer. A picture of Angel and us framed next to his laptop. I remember the day we took that picture. We had gone to the train tracks under the bridge. We were just enjoying the sunshine. It had rained half the day but by lunch the clouds had disappeared and the sun peaked out. 

We jumped in mud puddles and threw mud at each other. Angel was covered head to toe. Angel and I ganged up on Shawn. Afterwards we took pictures.

I turned to look at Cal to see if he was remembering something nice, but there was no smile on his face. It surprised me. Cal always put on a smile, even after Shawn died. He would always say we shouldn't mourn his loss but celebrate it because he was in a better place. Shawn was no longer hurting and that was a blessing but what about my hurt. 

Cal let out a deep breath and started laying some of Shawn's stuff on the floor. The air started to get on my nerves so I opened the windows. The sun entered the room. It's beams bouncing off his possessions helping to make the room feel a little warmer. 

Cal had his desk covered so I went to his closet and started cleaning it out. They still smelled like him. When I would come over, I always managed to ruin my clothes by cleaning, cooking, or just being me. Shawn would let me borrow his shirts. I liked his Asking Alexandria shirt and his Avenged Sevenfold shirts. 

I would give them back after a few days when it no longer smelled like him. He would tell me it was okay because now it smelled like me. It always made me smile when he said stuff like that. Like he called me his baby girl. I'd call him my prince or my knight.