Loved // j.g

The Morning Walk

i woke up around 5am crying because of a nightmare ... My body was all sweaty and my face was full of tears I tried to calm myself and tell myself it's just a dream don't worry ; no one knows about my nightmares and I like to keep it that way.

Just about 2 years ago I almost got raped more like gang raped. I remember it was about 12am and jake couldn't make it to this party I stayed sober so I could drive home and while I got out of the club I saw a bunch of drunk guys come towards me --- I think it's all my fault if I wasn't wearing such a revealing dress they wouldn't have attacked me but I got ready for jake and he couldn't even make it.

I try to forget that night but it keeps coming back to me I remember every single detail ; it was a total of 3 guys all in their mid 20's I remember how they took me to the back of their van .... They pushed me down on to the seat and ripped off my dress leaving me in a bra and a thong - "I'm gonna make you feel good bitch" one of them said I screamed for help no one heard me "you're gonna be my bitch" another one said " one of them spanked my ass so hard with a metal string I don't even know what it was but I still have the scar on my ass .

They didn't take my virginity away because I remember they were just kissing my body hungerily and beating me up with metal chains but before they could actually rape me they passed out I ran to my car went home cried and cried for almost 2 weeks but didn't tell anyone. Not even jake.

I still have the scars. One on my ass , one on my collarbone , one on my lower back and stomach , one on my shoulder and one near my left boob.

the scars don't hurt anymore , they're healed but they won't leave my body they remind me of that night almost everyday . I always put bandages on them to cover them up.

Sometimes the scars do hurt if I accidentally even hit it softly i don't know why and I can't goto the doctor because I'll get questioned so I just left it like this.

It's now 6am I took a shower to get out of my sweaty clothes I wore some sleeping short shorts and a lose sweater , left my hair open it's naturally wavy so I don't really mind , I wore my vans and decided to go for a walk.

I was untangling my headphones as I left my house quietly I didn't need to worry because my parents weren't even home they were gone for a business tour and my brother .. Well he was asleep.

I take a step outside and the sun wasn't out yet so it was pretty dark and I couldn't run like that so I just decided to sit on my porch and cry. all I did was cry. I couldn't help it. All I could think of was that night and how it was my fault. I cried bc I've never told anyone. I cried bc it was my fault I worn that revealing dress . I was crying so much I felt like I was gonna have a panic attack ------- did I forget to mention I also have anxiety problems I worry about every little thing and it gets to me everytime but no one knows about that either. ; I try to make myself look like a happy person I don't want people to think I'm weak.

I was having trouble breathing I didn't even realize someone was sitting beside me holding me close to their chest - basically hugging me ; for a second I felt secure I felt put together now I noticed that the person holding me is the one who helped me calm down "shhh it's gonna be okay breath babe shhh you are safe I'm here you are safe shh babe" I heard the person say and without even looking up I recognized the same voice. It was jack. It was that asshole. It was the guy who almost killed me yesterday and blamed me for it.

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